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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 19, 2008 11:27:33 GMT -5
Damn, that's good.
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 19, 2008 17:16:27 GMT -5
ooo, guy, this one hits home for me----it's the only space in which she needs to carve her soul...and it's got to bleed...
michael
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Post by dcpottsmd on Jan 19, 2008 19:29:43 GMT -5
This piece is very powerful and wickedly, painfully femine. Great write.
Danny
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Post by purplejacket on Jan 19, 2008 20:08:57 GMT -5
mmmmmm. love the slow down in across your inside thigh
one of those rare instances where uncommon syntax doesn't grate me.
may I ask how it came about?
- also, love use of execute
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Post by johnnysaturn on Jan 20, 2008 8:59:40 GMT -5
Thanks for the positive responses. The poem is not drawn from personal experience (thankfully) PJ. I guess it just brings together a lot of my literary preoccupations for what's that worth.
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Post by Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner on Jan 20, 2008 9:34:17 GMT -5
Very intense write... powerful... i love 'rapt adagio' i wasn't sure at first about using rapt to descibe adagio but used in the sense of 'to be carried off' i think it is perfect great write
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Jan 21, 2008 15:24:16 GMT -5
Outstanding control of language and word choice to bring a work home to the reader. Excellent. Ron
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storyweaver
EP 250 Posts Plus
"What is genius?but the power of expressing a new individuality?" Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Posts: 465
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Post by storyweaver on Jan 22, 2008 21:13:18 GMT -5
Great delivery, a STRONG write.
G.
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Post by johnnysaturn on Jan 23, 2008 16:51:00 GMT -5
Thanks very much for all the generous responses.
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 23, 2008 17:29:30 GMT -5
Johnny, being a pesky formalist, I'm not sure about the usage of a gerund, but instead of beginning the second stanza with "weaves", I keep wanting to say "weaving". Not sure if that's a viable suggestion, but I at least wanted to throw it out there. It hadn't hit me on other reads.
David
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 30, 2008 6:17:20 GMT -5
weaving does read better, John.
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Post by sandpiper on Jan 30, 2008 23:31:56 GMT -5
no suggestions. very well done, and a little disconcerting.
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