Distant Shade of Gray

[pelos]

Distant Shade of Gray
November 20, 2005

My pen exhausted
all attempts to fill this page—
it holds no sympathy
for wasted tears

as despair sends me
to the bottom of the abyss
where alone and lonely
weave an aura
of utter abandon

unraveling all sense
of capability
all thought of rescue

leaving me
in a distant shade of gray


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[mfwilkie]

Hi, pelos,

I've read this several times since you posted it.
And was wondering if you might not be more direct, inferring the 'I' voice more directly.

Something like:

My pen has come up empty, or
My pen has exhauted all attempts to fill this page—
it holds no sympathy for wasted thoughts
borne from loneliness and despair,

Alone and lonely weave an aura of utter abandon
which unravels any/my sense of capability

Maggie

[pelos]

Thanks Maggie for your thoughts - those first few lines were troublesome to
me since the first and you gave me something to work with. Tell me what you
think - again thanks. pelos

[Marion Poirier]

Pelos, IMO your poem is strong but needs trimming-
some things are understood without being said and
to say too much weakens the poem.
Also, the entire poem is in one sentence and you need a
complete break or breaks within the poem.

Happy Easter!
Marion


My pen is exhausted of all attempts
to fill this page,
my mind holds no sympathy
for wasted tears.

though A thought
did sent me
in despair
to the bottom
of the abyss

where aloneness and lonely
weaves an aura
of utter abandon.

that unravels My sense
of capability unravels,

leaving me
in a distant perpetual shade of gray.
unable to accept
but to thwart any
attempt of rescue

from the
barrenness

of my soul

[mfwilkie]

I disagree with your suggestion that the poem needs full stops, Marion.

Some more trimming, yes, some clever use of language like:

One hurtful thought
and I was sunk
in despair

or

My pen has exhausted all attempts
to fill this page—
it allows no sympathy
for wasted tears

Any reference to the mind can be eliminated because the pen directs thoughts to the page.

Many fine poems have been written in one long sentence, and I think that pelos can do the same in this piece.

Have a great day tomorrow.

Maggie

[Marion Poirier]

Hi Pelos,
I hope you haven't given up on this one.

Of the suggestions for openings by Maggie,
I prefer this one:

My pen has exhausted all attempts
to fill this page—
it allows no sympathy
for wasted tears

I agree you don't need my mind in there either
mind or another my is superflouous.
One must be very careful of the first person
pronouns and use them sparingly.

Also, I agree that it could be all
one long sentence using stanza breaks rather
than punctuation.

I'd like to see you come back to this one. This is
the place for detailed critique; different opinions
are crucial and you have to have an open mind.

Warm regards,
Marion

[pelos]

You are so right Marion - I just forgot it was here - so go to it friend.
pelos

[Marion Poirier]

Hi Pelos,

I can't offer anything more in the way of suggestions
other than I concur with Maggie's suggested beginning
as I mentioned in previous response; I also suggest
trimming the ending or replace with a concrete image.
That is your call - sorry I can't be of more help.
Best regards,
Marion