David, need your help

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

There are two lines purposefully out of meter. I need to know if they are working and if you understand why I did what I did


Friend, look inside this weathered mind
and view a spirit trapped inside
a past which won’t release its binds,

then feel the everlasting pain
of one who never knew that life
should focus on a love-filled path
instead of one of vented wrath.

When deviance and forceful hands
are strapped upon a youthful flesh
the road they travel leads to death—

oh, not the earthly, dig a grave,
(although there’s times when that is true)
fatality of a different sort
within a heart that lost its way.

You see, my friend, it’s not that I
don’t see the value of myself
it’s just that I am digging out

of all the rubble left behind
when that bound youth had finally found
the courage to escape.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi JL-

Actually, this is the only one that's out of meter to my scansion:

fatality of a different sort

It works for me, and I have an idea that you varied the meter for the impact, because this line almost forms the crux of the entire piece.

If by "out of meter", you also mean the trimeter closing line, that definitely works for me.

I do think that you have options with the "fatality" line, though, but ultimately I don't believe you've hurt the piece by dropping that half foot.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I was in such a hurry when I posted this. Yeah I didn't mean out of meter on the trimeter, just the shortened line. If you have ideas for the fatality line throw them at me but remember it is the crux and needs to be focused on. Thanks, friend. You always understand me.

I was going to post this on FS in that trapped contest, I never win anything other than 3rd but what the hell.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

decided to go with

a passing of a different sort

[David Nelson Bradsher]

I like your change, JL, and if you want to extend that last line, how about "the courage to escape itself"? Just a thought. I like it with the trimeter, too, J-babe.

[sanctus]

Hey Jo Lynn. For the main line in question, what about:

dying of a different kind

For the last two lines maybe:

that bound youth had finally found
the courage to reject (escape) the ground.

Just a quick thought.

Daniel