Paper Bag Poem #84 and First Revision

[mfwilkie]

First Revision- last line changed


And so they die since money rules the world–

This arrogance owns many kings,
and no one place is safe
from their universal vision–

mental serfdom, its ensuing ilk.

We’ve been there before;
past lives shaped with a complimentary mint,
and fear.

Does our face resemble an assassin’s
for letting Justice down?

Some minds remain unchained and want to know.


Original Draft

And so they die since money rules the world–

This arrogance owns many kings,
and no one place is safe
from their universal vision–

serfdom, and its ensuing ilk.

We’ve been there before;
past lives shaped with a complimentary mint,
and fear.

Does our face resemble an assassin’s
for letting Justice down?

There are minds left that want to know.

[LynnDoiron]

Well, I just plain am blown away by this. Will look and read again, but wow is my response on a first read.

lynn

[mfwilkie]

I just changed it a bit, chicky. Took out 'own' and 'all, and added 'ensuing'.

[LynnDoiron]

It could be that a title change would help me out with your current opening "And so they" --- With the current title, I sort of want more -- like "Soldiers die" or "And soldiers die" or (well, you get my drift).

We've been there before
We've been here before

With "there" I get the feel of the Bush boys and their generational return to "there"
With "here" I can sense hundreds of years and wars, including this current mess
I find "there" more pointed (which is good) and "here" more encompassing (which is also good).

Love the complimentary mint.

lynn

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Mags, per our conversation, I'd just change that last line.

[Angel Clementine]

Maggie, I can clearly see the images of your poem blowing down the street (the paper bag still draws breath for fans of Williams, and, now, Maggie)! Your time-honed words have fermented like a treasured wine. _Angel

[ramadevi]

Maggie, this is a powerful piece! Very impressive and i like the changes you amde, especially to the last line. No nits to add ehre, i think the poem is perfect as is.

Strong voice. Potent message, clearly conveyed.

Kudos