Last Chance Calling (For You David)

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I know you think I've given up on rhyme and meter. I'm actually working on a combo piece of free verse and this sonnet but the free verse part needs some work. Piper is helping me with that but thought I'd throw this sonnet portion at you. In the free verse intro it brings in the fact that he drives for a living, thus the couplet would make sense.



If for one fleeting moment I could bring
this dream alive, I know he’d find belief
and rise above the paralyzing sting,
from one who procreated tears of grief.

If only for one day he’d hold my hand;
let fingers gently speak while intertwined,
I know he’d feel the warmth, he’d understand
that she and I are not the same design.

But he is on a different road in life,
and though I know he sees I make him whole,
he can’t get past her hate-filled butcher’s knife
or how it's maimed his once audacious soul.

So there he hides behind that shield on wheels,
afraid of my heart’s cry and how love feels.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

If for one fleeting moment I could bring
this dream alive, I know he’d find(reach?) belief
and rise above the paralyzing sting,
from one who procreated tears of grief.

If only for one day he’d hold my hand;(If only for a day...)
let fingers gently speak while intertwined,(let fingers speak while gently intertwined) (just for a change, jl)
I know he’d feel the warmth,( he’d understand
that she and I are not the same design. ...(she and I are not of one design)

But he is on a different road in life,
and though I know he sees I make him whole,
he can’t get past her hate-filled butcher’s(butcher) knife
or(and) how it's maimed his once audacious soul.

So(,) there he hides behind that shield on wheels,
afraid of my heart’s cry and how love feels.


Glad to see it, JL, and you haven't lost your touch. A few first thoughts above. Too tired to do much, but I'll come back to it.

[mfwilkie]

I really like your opening, JL.

Couple of thoughts:

I think relief might be a better choice than belief because you talk about 'a paralyzing sting'; one would seek relief from a sting, not belief.

If for one fleeting moment I could bring
this dream alive, I know he’d find relief
and rise above the paralyzing sting,
from one who procreated tears of grief.

If only for one day he’d hold my hand;
One day, just one whole day, hand in hand,
let fingers gently speak while intertwined,
our fingers touching, speaking, intertwined,

I know he’d feel my truththe warmth, he’d and understand

Nice, nice, nice!!!!

Mags

[David Nelson Bradsher]

I agree with Maggie on "relief", JL. Good call, Mags.

However, her suggestion for L5 is out of meter.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Actually both of you gave great suggestions. This one is in such a rough draft mode that all will be considered and quite a few implemented probably. Piper thinks I need to try for more enjabment in there but I'm so rusty this one might not be the one for that game.

Yeah I caught that was out of meter immediately. But it's a good thought, something like

If only for a day walk hand in hand

or something along where her thought is.

Actually my trucker quit his job yesterday so I might not be around too much this weekend to play with it, actually get to spend some time perhaps with the man. He's been on the road for almost two months straight.

Thanks you guys for all your help, much appreciated.

Love ya,
JL

[GD Martin]

JL,
Yesterday, I had displayed a flattering couple paragraphs as a reply to your sonnet, but I deleted it today because it sounded too gushing; however, I am certain that other poets can trust my judgment when I offer them an occasional suggestion, or two. Please trust me that on L11, "butcher" looks, sounds, and reads better than "butcher's".

Now, raising this thread one half-step in key, it is my solid opinion that your final two lines do everything that a sonnet's final two lines are intended to do; at least it does it for me (flattery spoken in a non gushing manner, preceded by constructive criticism). _GD

[ramadevi]

This is a very good, JL...
The closing couplet is a great ending note.
The opening line successfully draws one into the poem and the story it tells.

I agree on the points about
Relief replacing "Belief"
and
Butcher rather than "butcher's"

[ramadevi]

This is a very good, JL...
The closing couplet is a great ending note.
The opening line successfully draws one into the poem and the story it tells.

I agree on the points about
Relief replacing "Belief"
and
Butcher rather than "butcher's"