A Shadow Speaks

[David Nelson Bradsher]

He spent a lifetime burning with infectious flames for all,
a passion not adjourning till the moment of his fall

as life collapsed and ended in an unintended crash,
a fortress, once-defended, now a blend of dust and trash.

He harbored an infection in the armor of a scourge,
a virus of rejection that inflected every surge

through veins to kill the living by his undeterred attacks
with words as unforgiving as a dagger in the backs

of friends or foes who listened to the oratory flood
of crimson inks that glistened with his sacrificial blood

and shone a sanguine warning as the writer went insane,
a brain in solemn mourning that the pleasure went to pain.

He died, alone and tragic, as a shadow of the self
that once created magic in the books that warmed his shelf.

[mfwilkie]

Had some time to go over this after the game ended, sweetcheeks.

Had some nits with its speed and syntax on a closer look.

He spent a lifetime burning with infectious flames for all,
a passion not adjourning till the moment of his fall

as life collapsed and ended with an unintended crash,
a fortress, once-defended, now a blend of dust and trash.*

What if you said;
as life collapsed and ended with in an unintended crash
(the fortress he defended became blends of dust and ash.)

He harbored an infection in the armor of a scourge,
a virus of rejection that which inflected every surge

through veins to that mauled the living with his undeterred attacks
with of words as unforgiving as a dagger in the backs

of friends or foes who listened to the oratory flood
of crimson inks that glistened (as witness)* with in his sacrificial blood(.)

*As witness as an aside helps slow it down, D.

and They shone a gave out sanguine warning(s) as the writer went insane,
a brain in solemn mourning that the pleasure went to pain.*

*(his/a brain in solemn mourning as pure pleasure paled to pain)

It can be used as an aside or not.

He died, alone and tragic, as a shadow of the self *
Maybe: a mere shadow of the self
But then you'd have to adjust the last line a smidge, muh cara.
that who once created magic in the books that
warmed lined his shelf.

Mags

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Meter, Mags, meter.

[mfwilkie]

You are the meter-man, muh cara. Me? Just the sound-siren. 'Member?

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

This is really good, D. Always gets my blood flowing when I read your meter. I like Mags idea of dust and ash though instead of trash


as life collapsed and then ended in an unintended crash,
a fortress, once-defended, now a blend of dust and trash.
the fortress, once-defended, lied in piles of dust and ash

He harbored an infection in the armor of a scourge,
a virus of rejection that inflected every surge(I like her thought here as well with which inflected and using that mauled the living with but I don't care for the two ofs that would be so close together but may you could do )

through veins that mauled the living in his undeterred attacks
with words as unforgiving as a dagger in the backs(seems no matter what way you try to change it, you end up with dual words at play)

of friends or foes who listened to the oratory flood
of crimson inks that glistened with his sacrificial blood

and shone a sanguine warning as the writer went insane,
a brain in solemn mourning that the pleasure went to pain.(how about when the pleasure)

He died, alone and tragic, as a shadow of the self (I actually think mere will work here, David. He died, alone and tragic, a mere shadow of the self, I think the flow will work for you)
that once created magic in the books that warmed his shelf. (I like who once created, personally)

My two cents for the month. Sorry I haven't been around at all. When I can't write, don't always like to comment either. Hope all is well in your corner of the world.

Love ya lots,
JL

[PantheUs]

a writ about the ruin of a lonely man
how sad the truth sometyms

i luv the last line David

:as a shadow of the self
that once created magic in the books
(that warmed his shelf)

wutta delight