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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Apr 7, 2008 15:10:24 GMT -5
What nimble mind keeps pace with wind
to race the clouds through purple air,
Catching the rainbow by its end,
Only to find no heart is there?
What fluttering, outrageous heart
Allows its rhythm to unwind
Until its core is shorn apart
To nakedly destroy the mind?
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Post by mfwilkie on Apr 8, 2008 17:02:36 GMT -5
I'm sure this meddling changes your intent, D.
What nimble mind keeps pace with wind
and races clouds through purple air
to catch the(a) rainbow by its end,
but finds no heart was ever there?
What fluttering, outrageous heart
Allows its rhythm to unwind
Until its core is shorn apart
and nakedly destroys a mind?
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Apr 9, 2008 6:54:29 GMT -5
It may, Mags, but I think I like yours better, anyway. I'll ponder. Thank you, muh cara.
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Post by Jo Lynn Ehnes on Apr 9, 2008 7:56:33 GMT -5
Such a different tone for you, D. I like it very much. I like Mags changes, not fond of the but in line 4 though maybe then or yet there. Think you would need to use the mind in that last line, think it stays stronger with the.
Very much enjoyed, hun
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Post by mfwilkie on Apr 9, 2008 9:12:18 GMT -5
I like your yet, jl.
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Apr 10, 2008 12:35:33 GMT -5
really like what you've penned so far here, but it's strong enough to be an intro to a more complete statement, to which you certainly do have the facility to do justice----so whatcha think?
love,
michael
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on Apr 10, 2008 12:41:06 GMT -5
Lovely.
What nimble mind keeps pace with wind
to race the clouds through purple air,
Catching the rainbow by its end,
Only to find no heart is there?
My only thought is that the title does no justice to the fantastic imagery in your poem. Are you a fellow romantic? Ahhh...
Sherry
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Apr 10, 2008 13:19:00 GMT -5
Thanks, folks. Michael, I do believe you're correct in that this isn't finished. Rather, it seems to be just the beginning.
Sherry, you're right, as well. The title will most certainly change.
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Post by ramadevi on Apr 13, 2008 19:37:47 GMT -5
I agree this is a great beginning and shows potential for more growth. I like Maggies suggestion as well.
This could also stand on its own...but i am not sure it wants to!
Nice read.
Warm Regards,
rama devi
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