alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
|
Post by alfredo on Apr 9, 2008 15:34:20 GMT -5
I, the sea you dirty
so carelessly
do you think I fuss too much
you who’ve had your fill
whose tributaries run amuck
you who clog my river arteries
my marine soul with filth
those from which you dare not sip
to the wailing wind.
“….and with my waved army,
we will roll these ships”
sweet revenge
salty and swift
rust slips beneath
the peeling paint
to take its place
|
|
|
|
Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Apr 9, 2008 17:26:37 GMT -5
I like this poem quite a bit. However, I just don;t the refrains add anything to pace of intent. In fact, IMO they detract. Try reading it once without them and see what happens.
|
|
alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
|
Post by alfredo on Apr 9, 2008 20:13:10 GMT -5
Thanks for your suggesttion . Do you mean as this:-
I, the dirty sea
do you think I fuss too much
you who’ve had your fill
whose tributaries run amuck
you who clog my river arteries
my marine soul with filth
those from which you dare not sip
to the wailing wind.
“….and with my waved army,
we will roll these ships”
sweet revenge
salty and swift
the rust slips beneath
the peeling paint
to take its place
|
|
|
|
Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Apr 9, 2008 22:09:36 GMT -5
yes, this is very good>
|
|
|
|
Post by MichaelFirewalker on Apr 10, 2008 12:25:26 GMT -5
agreed, it is strong, with a fine aura of both mystery and pathos about it...no nits...
hugs,
michael
|
|
|
|
Post by Marion Poirier on Apr 10, 2008 19:47:27 GMT -5
Alfredo, amazing revision. I do prefer punctuation,
but that's me and fine as is. I have to tell you that
I hate the title-but the one underneath is interesting
Itinerant Fishing Boats. The present title may be an
attention grabber for the younger set-but the old
folks like me probably wouldn't read it-stumbled
across it here-I'm always interested in new writers
with a great potential.
Ignore me if you think I'm too vocal. I mean well. LOL!
Best regards,
Marion
|
|
alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
|
Post by alfredo on Apr 10, 2008 20:13:27 GMT -5
Mags you are so right an about the title. Thank you...
I changed it immediately ( u c i am in my 2cond child-hood!!)
PS
need to reflect on suggestions for "Waiting" though
|
|
|
|
Post by Marion Poirier on Apr 10, 2008 20:32:57 GMT -5
Hi Alfredo,
I like the new title a lot. I'm in my fifth childhood.
LOL!
BtW, I am not Mags. My name is Marion and
I only stop in here once in a while because
I love to read and review. I also write comtemporary
poetry.
Good Luck, my friend,
Marion
|
|
