A Bequest of Diamonds(Rev-3 - title change2)

[pelos]

A Bequest of Diamonds
April 13, 2008


I muddled without dreams
or aspirations to move beyond
indelible agendas

where anger poured as tar
and innocence weathered
into shame, fear, and pain

swallowing me into
its dark cavernous abyss
this heritage did belie me

quintessential as it seemed
a dim light labored
to find my eyes
warm my heart

while I numbed the pain
with drink, flame, and knife
until darkness wrestled down
my will to live –

the light stirred my mind
I dared think it a laser
sharp as samurai swords
slashing through lies and misnomers

leaving only what
swards could never rip through
diamonds
of
- - truth

suddenly a tender white glow
fills from within me
and for the first time
I can see legacy
transcend through me
to my own and they to theirs
and beyond, finally

feeling home in my own skin




please be very critical - I need the feedback - this one close to the heart. Thank you all who comment. pelos[/font]

[Marion Poirier]

Dear Pelos, Long time since I've heard from you.
I just this minute came across your poem. It will
take me some time to review this; I don't want to
merely give you a slap on the back. I will be back-
of course you know, I'll trim-because that's what I do.
I don't want you to feel that you are alone here -
I will return. I should probably take a nap or better
still, have a glass of wine. LOL!

Be back.

My best,
Marion

[Marion Poirier]

Pelos, first of all, I would suggest you deal with the
punctuation or lack of it. In this poem, without
pauses in the correct places, you compromise clarity.
There is a way to get around it, and that is to have
a line break when you need a comma and stanza break
where you would ordinarily use a semi-colon.
That will give you the proper pause. You need
either the line breaks or the stanza breaks,
particularly since you have emjambment here.

You don't want to over-do the dark-mentioned twice
in S3 along with ugly and cavernous-that needs to
be diluted as you have this darkness throughout
the poem and the theme is dark enough to begin with.

IMO you could cut some lines-seems to me that you
are repeating yourself somewhat, using different words
or a different slant.
I'll leave that up to you whether or not you decide to
make any of these changes. IMO it needs work in
the areas that I described.

Regards,
Marion

[pelos]

Ok, Marion finally found time to trim some - tell me if you
think it is enough. pelos

[Marion Poirier]

HI Pelos,

I just want you to know that I'm on it. I'll be back later.
Thanks for the review on mine; I'm thinking about
your suggestions - but the title as is gets attention.

Later,
Marion

[Marion Poirier]

Pelos, here are some thoughts. I'd make the lines
longer as sometimes these short lines work, but in
this poem - the way the lines are broken makes
the read choppy to my ear.

I'd eliminate the last two stanza as it is after
the enlightenment takes place;
it's an ongoing process-
these lines are strictly telling using generalities
without a clear image.
IMO-finding the path is the important factor.
The lines I deleted are IMO superfluous
and weigh the poem down.

Take what you can use - discard anything and
everything if it's not what you have in mind-my friend.

You may want to think of another title. This one
is not particularly relevant unless the reader knows
what is in your mind. A title should be interesting
without being a puzzle.
Good Luck!
Marion
p.s. Thinking about the title - here's a thought. You
may want to think about using day to day as the title.
M

day to day

I muddled
through without dreams
or aspirations to move beyond

anger poured black as tar-
innocence weathered into shame
fear and pain leading me
to fall into an abyss

before a very dim light
labored to find my eyes -
spark my mind and heart

while numbing the pain with drink
flame and knife -
darkness wrestled down

until my mind sparked of legacy
I dared think the light a laser -
sharp as samurai swords
slashing through lies and misnomers

and led me home to truth

[Marion Poirier]

Pelos, I made some additional suggestions
for your poem including a new title leading
into the first line.
I thought I'd call your attention to it
in case you decide to revise - or not.

Warm regards,
Marion

[pelos]

OK< Marion there it is - I am wondering why you are the only one
commenting - not that I you are not exstremely helpful - I sure would
like to know what others think. pelos

[Marion Poirier]

Pelos, this a lot tighter - much better IMO.
The reason why others don't comment is perhaps
they cannot relate if they haven't been there.
I am wondering why they do not comment.

Perhaps, this time around you will receive more
comments. I'll give others a chance now - and
hope you will receive reviews from many EP members.
Love,
Marion

[mfwilkie]

pelos,

I think you might move the ninth line up to end stanza three;
it seems to finish off the thought; I'd omit 'very' in line 11 and 'the' in line 14.

Nice piece.

Maggie

I muddled without dreams
or aspirations to move beyond
indelible agendas

where anger poured as tar
and innocence weathered
into shame, fear, and pain

swallowing me into its
dark cavernous abyss
this heritage belied me

quintessential as it seemed
a very dim light labored
to find my eyes, spark my mind
warm my heart

while numbing the pain
with drink, flame, and knife
until darkness wrestled down
my will to live –

my mind sparked of legacy
I dared think the light a laser
sharp as samurai swords
slashing through lies and misnomers

leaving only what
swards could never rip through
- truth
where I am home
and legacy transcends
through me to those
who follow and

beyond

[pelos]

Me thinks I am done - I finally added what was nagging me at the beginning
STill I want some feed back. This is for a special project I am working one -
So thanks in advance for anyone who takes the time to read and comment.
I will be more active on the site after this - I do believe I am back - missed being
here and so much would like to get back in the swing of things around here.
Again thanks. pelos