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Post by ramadevi on Apr 13, 2008 18:19:53 GMT -5
The full moon sailing heaven
bows down to touch your presence.
Adoration overwhelms
the humbled peacock of my mind.
Trees arch and sway in elated admiration,
and the air itself is drunk
from your lilac-scented breeze.
Earth and sky unite in
ecstatic celebration.
Calm heart flies free—
all qualms released.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Apr 13, 2008 21:06:50 GMT -5
This gratitude is expressed so beautifully, dear rama.
I love how the moon sails heaven------
I love how your expression of ego as a peacock, no matter how proudly it struts, is stilled by the soul's adoration of divinity.
After reading this several times, I wonder if "down" is necessary in S1.
I appreciated the assonance in the closing stanza.......
Nice to hear from you after some time......Look forward to your call. Namaste------------and much love......
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Post by Marion Poirier on Apr 14, 2008 15:17:16 GMT -5
Rama - a beautiful tribute, eloquently expressed -
love these lines:
the air itself is drunk
from your lilac-scented breeze.
One small suggestion - perhaps humble peacock
rather than past tense - seems to be consistent
with the rest of the present tenses - not incorrect-
merely sounds stronger IMO.
Best regards,
Marion
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Nan
EP Gold 1000 Posts Plus
Posts: 1,076
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Post by Nan on Apr 14, 2008 15:26:36 GMT -5
Rama,
I like the personification and imagery in this poem.
Nan
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Apr 19, 2008 16:29:22 GMT -5
Very nice, Rama, I like "humbled" with "peacock". For me it implies a lesson learned, an acceptance. Ron
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Post by LynnDoiron on Apr 19, 2008 18:06:49 GMT -5
The full moon sailing heaven [Beautiful line!]
bows down to touch your presence.
Adoration overwhelms [rama, Adoration here, for me, comes across like a bully somehow; it's like I need Adoration of (fill in the blank) overwhelms --- for clarity. But, if I'm the only one that has difficulty, you know to ignore my thoughts, right?]
the humbled peacock of my mind.
Trees arch and sway in elated admiration, [If mine, I might omit admiration and change elated to elation; Or, omit elated and just go with admiration.]
and the air itself is drunk
from your lilac-scented breeze.
Earth and sky unite in
ecstatic celebration.
Calm heart flies free—[Is this "my calm heart" or the "your" mentioned in line 2?]
all qualms released.
Rama, I think I am probably way off base with wanting you to omit many of the modifiers. It's just my read, but they turn me off, like a woman wearing too much make-up; simple beauty gets covered up with talk. And it is talk, a telling of a feeling the poetic voice wishes to share. But ecstasy spoken in re: celebration does not make ecstasy received by this reader, or bring me closer to what was experienced. I hope this doesn't come across as too sharp, too critical. But I sense you want to share the sensations as best you can; and I can only tell you my responses, such as they are. Always, always wonderful to read your caring heart. lynn
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Post by ramadevi on Apr 20, 2008 13:52:09 GMT -5
First of all i want to express my sincere GRATITUDE to all of you for your kind and thoughtful reviews! I have been mostly inactive on the site because my muse is writing nothing new. But when she does write new words, this is the first place i come to because your reviews are always well thought out and helpful.
NOTE: This poem is written based upon an artwork in which there is a moon with wavy lines of luminosity sailing down towards Amma (my guru). There is a peacock and a person both looking admiringly up to her. trees adorn the background. Thus some of the allusions are in the context of the artwork and may not make sense when read separately. Your presence is clarified by Amma's face in the image.
Jon - Thanks dear brother! You are almost always the first to read my poems -i agree, "down" has gotta go. NAMASTE -
Marion - Always appreciate your input dear sister. i like the past tense because it reveals the change...now humbled.
Nan - Thanks. Nice to hear from you.
Ron, Thank you my friend. It was exactly my intention!
Lynn dear sister poetess,i totally appreciate the time and care you've put in here (and the colorful fonts too!)
* down is out
* adoration stays!
*elation it is. this is a very good edit and the credit goes to you dear sister.... especially since adoration is already present in preceding line
*I WILL omit ecstatic, that is a good call and i totally see what you mean. please never hesitate to offer strong critique. i take it is a kind gesture - not insulting in the least.
* MY calm heart...calmed and soothed by grace (and moonlight)
Thanks again dear Lynnie!
Warm regards to you all,
rama devi
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Apr 21, 2008 13:30:41 GMT -5
hello Rama...such a kiss of peace is this poem!...michael also loves the peacock...he loves its grand display of the colors of Love, and its effortless worship of the Mother...also, he loves the elegant simplicity and natural lightness of its being...it is a bird of adoration, through and through...as are you...
much love,
michael
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Post by ramadevi on Apr 22, 2008 9:10:11 GMT -5
Thank you most kind dear sister Michael!~
today i leave FLorida with my mom to drive to New York....so may be offline for a week or so.
We fly to India in may.
Namaste and love!
rd
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