Dialogue (2nd edit)

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

2nd Edit

If I listen with an ear to the sky
the weeping cherry's sob is clear.

My heart asks, "why are you so sad.

Is it because the magnolia is
in danger of extinction;

the dogwood's lament for
Christ's crucifixion on its limbs?

Perhaps you find the Japanese maple
more graceful?"

"No," she whispers as her petals
fall, gently brushing her branches.

"It is none of these-

I am sad because these blooms
shower my own mortality."


Original

If I listen with an ear to the sky
the weeping cherry's sob is clear.
"Why are you so sad?" I ask.

"Is it because the magnolia is
in danger of extinction?

or the dogwood tells tales
of Jesus being crucified on its limbs?

Perhaps you feel the Japanese maple
is more graceful?"

"No," she whispers as her petals
fall, gently brushing her branches.

"It is none of these that cause my sorrow.
I weep because my bloom is so short...
it confirms my mortality."

[Marion Poirier]

Jon, this poem moves me. It is a testament
of your infinity with nature. Excellent work!
I find little to change and few nits except you have
a typo in the first verse- must be tired -- there are
few places where I feel a small bump
as follows: (Marion)

If I listen with an ear to the sky
the weeping cherry's sob is clear.
"Why are you so said?" sad I ask.

"Is it because the magnolia is
in danger of extinction --

that or the dogwood tells tales
of Jesus being crucified on its limbs?

Perhaps you feel the Japanese maple
is more graceful?"

"No," she whispers as her petals
fall, wetly brushing her wet branches.

"It is none of these that cause my sorrow.
I weep because my bloom is so short...
it reminds me a reminder of my mortality."

[ramadevi]

Lovely, Jon, lovely. A beautiful concept for a poem and a strong reminder for all of us!

I agree with Marion's suggestions. They are tasteful, and improve the flow and sound of this...which is, as i said, lOVELY!

I think the closing line is not necessary because the line "bloom is so short" implies this already. I would feel that bloom line to be a better close...showing rather than telling the message of this fine work.

But either way, i like it a lot!


NAMASTE
rama devi

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Thank you Marion and rama....I have used some of your suggestions.
Thanks for pointing out the typo, and for some more fluid word choices and/or positions, Marion.
rama-I do understand what you say, and your suggestion has merit......I just wanted the plea to be heard (told, if you will)and to culminate with the anthropomorphism.

[mfwilkie]

Jon, What if in the third line you said:


If I listen with an ear to the sky
the weeping cherry's sob is clear.
"Why are you so sad?" I ask.

If I listen with an ear to the sky
the weeping cherry's sob is clear.

My heart asks, Why are you so sad?

And here:

"No," she whispers as her petals beauty
fall toward reclamation,


"It is none of these that cause my sorrow.

This is where I have a nit, Jon.

I weep because my bloom is so short...
it confirms my mortality."

I read this as the life of the bloom (its beauty) being short
and the cause of its weeping, not the tree's mortality.

You might think about ending this with the 'I weep' line
reflecting the loss of beauty.

Mags

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

You raise a good point regarding the essence of the poem. It deserves consideration. Thank you Maggie.

[LynnDoiron]

jon, i enjoy this dialogue. i especially like your opening, 'if' beginning which sort of offers this opportunity for dialogue or communing with nature to all of us, 'if' we will only turn our ears to listen. a few tweaks and thoughts follow -- [feel free to ignore] -- one plays off maggie's suggestion of 'My heart asks' in that she moved the dialogue tag to start the line rather than end it. I like 'I ask' for its simplicity and the audio notion of speech/dialogue between poetic Voice here and weeping cherry. But, when moved to begin the dialogue, it eliminates that break in V and allows the questions to flow. Also, I didn't tweak it around and change line positions, but I wondered about moving the reference to japanese maples to second position and the dogwood tales to third. *My suggestions omit ref. to Jesus and go with crucifixions plural because those who know, will know, and those who don't will still know, or sense, a connection to christ .

If I listen with an ear to the sky
the weeping cherry's sob is clear.

I ask, "Why are you so sad?
Is it because the magnolia is in danger

of extinction? or the dogwood's tales
of [Jesus being crucified on its limbs?]* crucifixions on its limbs?

Perhaps you feel the Japanese maple
is more graceful?"

"No," she whispers as her petals
brush past branches, falling.

"It is none of these that cause my sorrow.
I weep because my bloom is so short...
it confirms my mortality."

[I weep because my blooms are miniatures
of my mortaility -- as they fall, so shall I, too soon.]

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Comments please.....this is important to me. Thanks

[LynnDoiron]

spell/typo in crucifixion.

i like very much what you've done with end lines on this edit.

[purplejacket]

You mean you don't listen with your elbow?

[pelos]

YOur edit is much better than the original - I cna't find anything
to change as of yet give me a few more reads - be back - ok back
one thought - the first line - "if I lean my ear to the sky" -
it makes it more poetic and less telling. pelos

[purplejacket]

The grammar/punctuation here...

Is it because the magnolia is
in danger of extinction;

the dogwood's tales
of Jesus' crucifixion on its limbs?

...bumps me a bit. the semicolon makes me look for a clause in the second half of the sentence. Not finding that, I try to figure out where the second half picks off the first half.

Is it because the magnolia is in danger of extinction?
Is it because the dogwood's tales of crucifixion on its limbs?
looking for a verb (and now I'm being silly):
Is it because the magnolia is the dogwood's tales of crucifixion...?

I have to wonder if the 's is possessive or shorting out dogwood is. Is it that the dogwood has? Hmmm, that would make the most sense, but I don't want to puzzle it out. Maybe everyone else is more familiar with that contraction.

ok, I'm always being silly. But I honestly do think this little thing needs attention.

Each of the things you offer the weeping cherry are interesting. The extinction and the crucifixion both play well against the mortality. But you also seem to be saying that you find grace in mortality, and I like that.

lastly, I would drops the "thoughts of," but that's just me.

[mfwilkie]

If I listen with an ear to the sky
the weeping cherry's sob is clear.

I ask, "why are you so sad.

Is it because the magnolia is
in danger of extinction;

is it the dogwood's tales
of Christ's crucifixion on its limbs?

Christ's crucifixion is a smoother read, Jon , and it gives you alliteration.

Maybe it's just me, but I was looking for something more powerful
in the piece's ending, jon, something other than the vanity of the tree.

Mags

[Sherry Thrasher]

For your consideration. You failed to mention the willow which is my favorite tree but I'll forgive you for it. Beautiful poem, Jon.

Sherry


If I listen toward the sky
the weeping cherry's sob is clear.

I ask, "why are you so sad.

Is it because the magnolia is
in danger of extinction;

the dogwood's tales
of Christ's crucifixion on its limbs?

Perhaps you find the Japanese maple
more graceful?"

"No," she whispers as her petals
fall, gently brushing against her branches.

"I am sad because these blooms
shower thoughts of mortality."

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Thanks Lynn, Pelos, Amanda, Maggie again, and Sherry. This is how it now stands. I'll get the first edit back up.
Appreciate everyone's input tremendously.......You guys rock the house!

[Marion Poirier]

Jon, I was just thinking that mortality refers
to the state of being mortal-
though it also means death;

however it may be better to avoid
the word mortality
and focus on the shortness of life
for the blossoms on this tree.

For example:

I am sad because
my blooms die too soon.
or
I am sad because
my blooms are dying as we speak.

or any combination of the two

or leave it alone. Fine as is.

Regards,
Marion

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

Jon:

so many illuminating suggestions can only mean that the poem echoes well.

The concept is rich and delivery has a gentle touch... nice...

I will stir up the pot with a suggestion for the dogwood verse:

or the dogwood tells tales
of Jesus being crucified on its limbs?

or the dogwood's lament
for Jesus being nailed to its limbs?



I think the sound clusters work and the moment delivered along the same path as your other stanzas.


wishing you well

tidings
ron

[ramadevi]

Wonderful changes, Jon. This flows so much more beautifully and melodically. (ending included).
Always a pleasure to return and see a work evolving to its peak potential. I think this one is ready.

Namaste
rama deiv

PS...Just had the unveiling ceremony for my father's tombstone the other day. He is buried below three gorgeous japanese maples. So Lovely! (tried to call you today but the line did not go through. I will call you tomorrow. i come to the city on thursday until saturday)