broken poem about the moon

[purplejacket]

everybody has to write at least one poem
about the moon

      an invitation, then?
      Shall we write freshly of the moon?

Greg says,
      I like implicit moons more,
      and now I see I ruined a good idea,
      a poem splintered upon the sea

      Yes - let's write freshly of the moon.
      (no mentioning dairy products.)

Everyone, everyone write
of cheese and milky light!
Moon Moon go away.
Come again some other day.

      I see you on the sunless side
      and beauty is different
      with each encounter perfect.

everybody has to write
at least one poem about the moon
moonshine oh moonshine
as sweet as you flow
shine on the sunless

and tell me lover, if that light were on me,
would you still give me dark chocolate?
and would I still…

I'm aware people are tired of moon poems,
but you should always try everything four times
      and not grow mildly tired of it.

(This one belongs on the lunatic fringe.)

      last week the moon was just a sliver
      the whole sphere gently lit
      then it changed back again
      last week was just a sliver
      on the sunless side
      he murmurs, last week
      last week the moon was just a sliver –
      very beautiful.

Pagan I, deified in a gap:
a cleft in the Rock of Eden
houses my nomadic longing.
A howl plays backwards.

~ Maybe Greg’s intricate blue figure
lying on the ground
is the wreckage of the full moon
floating broken on the open poem

the figure looks like a flower that’s dying
splintered upon the sea
although the words say
'a heavy burden has been lifted...'
the man resembles razor blades.

      is the implicit light in the top of the cave
      there so Greg can read the words?
      did Greg write them?
      or is he completely separate?

Moon Moon go away.
Come again some other day.
(Greg wrote that. Wink.)
that star on his forehead
is a reflection of a day moon

Everybody has to write at least one broken poem

      now night or day, he calls
      to romance the moon
      with dark chocolate
      and by telling her she's beautiful.

and now I see I ruined a good idea
a poem splintered on blue lunatic fringe

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is an experiment. I have no idea if it works at all or not.

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

I definitely think this poem has merit. I like the stream of consciousness technique (is that a misnomer?) Whatever the case, the poem may be too heavy on silliness...tone that down in my opinion. But please experiment more.

[Sherry Thrasher]

Huh? Oh, yeah, guilty as charged. I have written at least one moon poem. This stanza got me (I must admit to having heart palpations over silly romantic notions.)

now night or day, he calls
to romance the moon
with dark chocolate
and by telling her she's beautiful.

Sherry

By the way, love the moon moon go away. Takes me straight to a child's nursery rhyme.

[mfwilkie]

I really like this, Mandy.

And I have to disagree with Leo, I like the spots of silliness.
I think the poem is solid enough to support them.

Maggie

[LynnDoiron]

I'm also for the silly -- I don't find too much, but a balance that seems to this reader pretty much perfect (I mean, you can put a lot of silly on the scale and still not outweigh razor blades). Liked this a lot and if there are ways to improve, I don't know what they are. Lynn

[purplejacket]

I have made some major chromosomal rearrangements. Thanks for the kind words.

[mfwilkie]

I like your original better, Mandy.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

This is all I have to go by, but I really like it; that doesn't mean I wouldn't like the original as well though. I should be around more, and I wouldn't miss these things.
I like the voice, the play and the tone of the poem. It's a pleasant read, surreal at times and clever alwways. Ron

[purplejacket]

oh it's my biggest flaw as an author - I edit on the fly and seldom save various drafts. I did find this version, though I'm not sure if it's the first one I posted here:

      An invitation, then?
      I'm aware people are tired of moon poems,
      but you should always try everything four times
      and not grow even mildly tired of it.

Ok, then let's write freshly of the moon
(no mentioning dairy products).

      Everyone, write of cheese and milky light!
      Moon Moon go away.
      Come again some other day.

I see you on the sunless side
and beauty is different with each encounter
      perfect.

      Everybody has to write
      a poem about the moon.
      Moonshine oh moonshine
      as sweet as you flow -
      shine on the sunless

Tell me lover, if that light were on me,
would you still give me dark chocolate?
and would I still…

      last week the moon was just a sliver
      the whole sphere gently lit
      then it changed back again,
      last week was just a sliver
      on the sunless side.
      you murmur, last week
      last week the moon was just a sliver –
      very beautiful.

Greg says,
      I like implicit moons more,
      and now I see I ruined a good idea,
      a poem splintered upon the sea.

(This one belongs on the lunatic fringe.)

Pagan I, deified in a gap:
A cleft in the Rock of Eden
houses my nomadic longing.
A howl plays backwards.

      ~ Maybe Greg’s intricate blue figure
      lying in the nomad's cleft
      is the wreckage of the full moon
      floating broken on the open poem

The figure looks like a flower that’s dying
splintered upon the sea.
Although the words say
'a heavy burden has been lifted...'
the man resembles razor blades.

      is the implicit light in the top of a cave
      there so Greg can read the words?
      did Greg write them?
      or is he completely separate?

Moon Moon go away.
Come again some other day.
(Greg wrote that. Wink.)
that star on his forehead
is a reflection of a day moon

Everybody has to write at least one broken poem

      now night or day, he calls
      to romance the moon
      with dark chocolate
      and by telling her she's beautiful.