April 19th

[LynnDoiron]

Collecting at noon forty-two
two years of scars, you show
the puckered nickel payment
shrapnel paid the white silk
of your haul-ass-right-cheek-
behind; you show the smile
line of Vietcong bullet’s in
and out, point there, smile
wider than a monsoon Mekong
for the miss of forearm bones;
you peel off the stump sock
and rub, rub the grinning end
of what was and I watch, watch.

I am good till your ribs squeak.
After that, I rise.

[Marion Poirier]

I really like this one, Lynn. You are centered here.
I only read it an instant ago so have not had time
to make intelligent comments except that it is
powerful writing. I'll be back later after my nap.
Good one, my friend.

Marion

[mfwilkie]

The opening's not working for me chicky.
Those first few lines are a mouthful.
maybe enjab differently.

Don't think you need 'behind'.

But from there down it works for me. I like the ending.

Maggie

[LynnDoiron]

On a short poem you give suggestions; on a long one "nip and tuck"; is that a chicken's bawk-bawk-bawking I hear?

[Marion Poirier]

Lynn, I have a few suggestions to tighten. I do think
that the beginning is too heavily-laden with adjectives.
Also, if it were mine, I'd use periods and start
new sentences for longer pauses.
This is strong stuff to digest and I think the longer pauses
help-but I know you often write this way - different styles for different writers. This is my two-cents as to how and why.
I don't offer too much in the way of suggestions
as this poem is intensely personal.
It is a poem I can relate to having witnessed up-front
the heartbreak that comes in the aftermath of the
senseless cruelty of war.

You create powerful images for your reader showing
in graphic detail and leave an indelible impression
from this picture you've painted that speaks louder
than a thousand words.
Poignant, powerful and extremely well done.
Marion


Collecting at noon Forty-two
two years of scars, you show
the puckered nickel payment
shrapnel paid the white silk
of your haul-ass-your right-cheek-
behind. period You show the smile
line of Vietcong bullet’sbullets in
and out, point there, smile
wider than a monsoon Mekong
for the miss of forearm bones. period
You peel off the stump sock
and rub, rub the grinning end
of what was and I watch, watch.

[mfwilkie]

That was just a first read, boom-boom!

I plan on sitting with it later today to let its sounds roll around mind and ears.

I do like it though.

Mugs

[LynnDoiron]

Thanks for the closer look, marion. i'll give your ideas some thought. My immediate reaction is that if I lose "white silk" I deprive the reader of the sensual feel of my late husband's behind to my hand, or, at least, the way I remember; and, if I omit "haul-ass" I deprive the reader of a facet of my late husband's personality, that he was a mover (even one-legged). But, these might be defensive reactions because the poem is too freshly written.

I do agree that the opening needs some work. But I want the noon to stay, one way or another, as it is more than just the middle of a day. I think what I might have to do is make what was one line into two or three. oh well.

And, the bullet was a single bullet, not multiple bullets. So, I think the in and out belongs to that singular bullet [bullet's in and out].

The semi's give stops; true, not as full-on as the periods. But I think I want the softer stops in the body of the poem so the idea of a list, a collection of shown scars, stack up, add up to the end lines. I do use full-stop periods in the end lines. I think the earlier use of the semi's allows the full-stops in the endlines more impact.

Again, the writing is very fresh, and I am protective/defensive. But also, if you hadn't made the suggestions that you have, I wouldn't have been trying to figure out the reasons why I wrote the lines/words that I wrote or punctuated in the manner that I did. And all of this is not to say that I may not come around to change. Great comments. And much appreciated.