Full Moon

[alfredo]

above
the smoky grey
a full moon
at thirty degrees
glitters

dancing the waters
from Achilles point to
where the surf slops
the black rocks

content
under its spell
beneath
its silvery silence

and there
set in the north
the long smudge
of Rangitoto

but by 6:46
the dancing path
has broken free

instead
it appears
to freeze
the distant
sea

[LynnDoiron]

A -- Forgive some meddling? Just thoughts/suggestions -- please feel free to ignore.

in the north
[the] a long smudge
of volcanic
Rangitoto

a full moon
at thirty degrees
above
the smoky grey
glitters

dancing the waters from
Achilles point to where
the surf slops
the black, black rocks

content
under its spell
beneath
its in silvery silence

and there
again
set in the north
the long smudge
of volcanic Rangitoto

but by 6-46
the dancing path
has broken free

instead
it appears
to freeze
the waltzingdistant
sea

[alfredo, i do apologize! i got caught up in the sort of mesmerizing moments i found in this.]

[Marion Poirier]

Alfredo, I must say I am impressed by this poem-
very visual and as Lynn D. said mesmorizing. My
suggestions would be the same to tighten and get
rid of the excessively telling words and lines.

I only have two added small suggestions -
or three - or four.
In V2, please get rid of slops. It breaks the spell -
out of place for the mood of this poem. I won't
suggest a replacement because I'm through telling
anyone how/what to write except myself; lol! -
in addition, I wouldn't repeat black twice -
how black can black get?

In verse five the 6-46, I interpret as the time of day.
I believe it should be written 6:46 -
unless this is how it is written in the country
where you reside.

In last verse I prefer distance to waltzing
(that is on the edge of cliche)
and I like the word distant - more mysterious.

This is a fine piece of work - just a little nip and tuck-
minor cosmetic surgery like a face peel - and you've
got a winner. Good job!!!!

Marion

[LynnDoiron]

oh, i do hope you don't lose 'slops' -- if i completely ignore the assonance with 'rocks' which is so great, i can't let go of how perfectly that single word hit me when I came upon it in this poem. My last trip up the calif. coast I took many turn outs south of carmel and watched the rollers slam into the rocks in chaos and sloppy abandon. But I would've never thought to use the word 'slops' - - - again, i could be totally wrong, but wanted you to know how much the word appealed to me as used in this work.

would have to agree in re: 'waltzing. it is cliche, as is distant. maybe just 'sea' without a modifier?

[Marion Poirier]

Good for you, Lynn! It makes life interesting, the
difference of opinions that are opposite and
greatly divided. I've been to the ocean often as
it is almost in the back yard. To me-it has a
hypnotic, tranquil sound when it is at peace -
when turbulent, it does slop - but I tend to stay
away at those times- disliking the sound.

Different strokes for different folks - a huge cliche-
but true.

Regards,
Marion

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Appreciated the silent music in this one, Alfredo.

[alfredo]

The comments are wonderful and warming. Sorry I did not reply ….its just that others things got in the way and even now I only have time to thank you but be assured I will reflect and reply more adequately soon.