Pleasure

[LynnDoiron]

[This is another of my "after" poems. I liked the way Cynthia Zarin played with rhyming and images that seemed out of sync. Her title was Fury; I picked Pleasure. Couldn't go as far out as she did, but this is my "after Zarin" attempt. See link to Zarin below]


Pleasure

I met Pleasure in wide fields,
Caterpillar soft,
With no cocoon to don.
I met Pleasure racing a bee.
Applause for a green lake,
Brown trout’s leap at sun –
How tall Joy grows!
How hard the seed!

I met Pleasure clothed in stalks.
“Who says love’s not free?”
The greening corn remarks.
“Rain pays!” good black earth barks.
Bring lemon skies
And limes to suck –
Blue margaritas, parks,
Lanes to ride blue bikes.

Pink is the string
Our dapple mare brings.
“Rose” is the name
Of our fine horse.
This day is sewn with water,
Clouds weave the course –
Angel Falls, an altar,
Ever changing, the same.

Give me a prayer, a chant,
A hymn, C-notes of song.
I'll paper forest walls
Until told wrong.
A white owl eats the white moon,
A brown owl flies —
Pleasure multiplies.
I discus-throw our spoons.

Sorrow wags a finger,
Peripheries of Sad.
A hammer dongs a harp,
Ever the same with change.
A wriggle of stars,
Pleasure’s OM-ing
A caught one
kept in my closed hand.

.

[after Cynthia Zarin's "Fury" - after knopf newsletter poetry-- www.randomhouse.com/knopf/enewsletter/poetry08/26_zarin.html]

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Outstanding imagery here, Lynn, within the gentle meter and rhyme.

InS1L6 the word "at" stuck out as being more harsh than the rest of the verse (for lack of a better word.) Perhaps it took away from the flow.........I like "brown trout's leap for the sun." ("the" is optional.)

The use of color makes the poem more vivid........and I really liked papering the forest walls.

In S2-I wonder why you repeated "blue"--it bumped me....unless this is a device inherent in Zarin's poem.

In S4, the last line seemed to come out of nowhere. Technically, you might need a hypen for "discus-throw."

In the last verse you reprised change and same (one of your trademarks).......and the whimsicality of the final four lines captivated me.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Beautiful work, Lynn, with so much observant beauty and personification where one wouldn't expect it. Cheers, my dear.

David

[Sherry Thrasher]

A bit early for a blue margarita but later, OK? Of course I love the rhyme in the poem and I'll return later for a real review. I just want you to know that I was here and stayed long enough for a quick run through. As Ron would say, good stuff.

Sherry

[Tina (Firefly)]

I came by too, Lynnie..in fact, I read evrything you post and have yet to find something I don't like.. but you must know that by now :+} I will come by later to comment and tell you what I like the very best about this. Tina

[aliciadon]

The first line instantly drew me in and, well--gave me Pleasure! Serendipitous. I love this, the alliteration, the assonance, the rhymes and almost-rhymes. Lovely images: a day sewn with water, papering the forest walls, white owl eating a white moon, a star caught and held... wonderful and fresh. I had a teensy bump with joy's seed being hard---maybe "strong"? Good poem, n.
E.

[LynnDoiron]

Wow. Thanks for looking and leaving comments! I wanted to offer some [maybe not answers, but] responses. First, jon -- I so appreciate your review! Before "at" I originally had "toward" which I replaced with "for". The reason I changed this trout's leap eventually to "at" was to move away from the softer, somehow [this is near impossible to explain] as if "reaching for" with a goal of attainment in mind or plausible, to the idea of maybe more "wasteful" just "jumping for jumping's sake" action. Like the action will go on and on and if the fish never makes the sun, well, that's okay, he/she had the "play" of trying. In the end, jon, this might not work -- but I wanted you to know where my head was when I made the decision. The repeat of "blue" in S2 wasn't a Zarin device [that I noticed] but it is a device I often try. Sometimes it works; sometimes not. The best thing, truly, is that you called me on it and so I have to look more closely and decide if the double use has enough warrant to survive. At the moment, I'm going to argue that it does because I use it to modify two mood-changing entities -- a bike ride and booze -- plus, "blue" is just evocative of dreams and moods and music . . . But, dear friend, I will look on this area again and most definitely consider your note of the double use. Then, on discus throw . . . is that hypenated in the olympics? Another place/phrase that I will certainly look at and consider some more. I knew what I wanted to indicate to reader, to share with reader, but if reader ain't gettin' it, then . . . might have to change. Thanks so much jon -- you make me think and consider. Would love if you re-commented on my comments in further discussion, but am also happy with what you've already given.

Thank you David, Sherry, Tina -- your kind words are always appreciated.

And E! What a surprise and great thing to hear from you! Might I call it a Pleasure? Why YES! As re: joy's seed being "hard" ----> If you have read through this long ramble of a response, you will know my thinking in re: "at" versus "for" or "toward" ---- And a little bit of the same "thinking" is involved with my choice of "hard" seed vs. strong and other word choices. It's like, once I wrote "How tall Joy grows!" I started to think about what or where Joy grows from? And what or where plants grow from . . . and the seeds came to mind, and how tough seeds are, how some need to be soaked overnight, some scored with a knife, etc. They are hard, very hard, yet they grow into something beautiful, you know? And I thought about Joy and about Pain and about how one often grows out of the other, and about how, if we didn't have the one, the other would be less, somehow. Make any sense? My mind works in odd ways, but there you have it -- my reasons for particular choices . . . And, and, as I write this -- the thought comes to mind that all seeds [known to me] are hard, but not all of them are strong, or, at least not strong enough to sprout. Loved hearing from you! n

Thanks, all! lynn

[purplejacket]

I am kitten, smitten with a bowl of cream.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I grasp your intent in all areas, Lynn....as I jump at the blue, blue moon.........

[ramadevi]

With tremENDous pleasure i read your delightfully detailed poem!
No bumps at all for me on this one. Just a pure pleasure ride through fields, lakes, stalks and skies.

The day is sewn with water (SO INVENTIVE)

A white owl eats the white moon (WOW)

Favorite stanza:

Give me a prayer, a chant,
A hymn, C-notes of song.
I'll paper forest walls
Until told wrong.
A white owl eats the white moon,
A brown owl flies —
Pleasure multiplies.
I discus throw our spoons

(I agree with Jon - a dash between discus and throw)

I loved how you used OM-ing.
*smiles*

My respect and admiration for your poetry is augmented every time i read another gem.
(must check out Zarin too)...
Warm Regards dear sister,
rama devi

[alfredo]

for me perhaps the best I have seen for a while ( a diamond)

Depsite that i confess though, I could not picture:-

"I discus throw our spoons."

[Vasile Baghiu]

I like these kinds of poems that produce the poetical effect line by line, image by image. It’s always a lesson. Thanks, Lynn!
Vasile

[Sherry Thrasher]

Yes, always a lesson. I think you'd make an absolutely awesome creative writing instructor. Perhaps in your spare time, right? I'll return at lunch.

Love-
Sherry