Cindy’s Visit

[storyweaver]

She brought her kitchen
cluttered with cast iron pans
and pottery-plates scraped
in patterns of gravy-disarray.

She smiled and sang gospel songs
to the rhythm of spattering grease,
popping and spitting egg-breading
sliding off chicken legs, frying.
The wheat fields bowed under oil-heavy air,
I pointed to them and teased her,
Even they have clogged arteries.

She laughed at my city-girl bias
then piled my plate high.
We sat in wooden rockers on her porch
and tossed greasy morsels
to cats while coon hounds howled
and struggled against chains.

Her voice faded with the locusts’ song,
corner details she left behind
folded in
and tears washed down the gravy.

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

Story… I like this piece. But I think it’s a bit over-written. With a goal of showing more than telling, here’s how I would cut it:

She brought cast iron pans
and pottery-plates scraped
in patterns of gravy-disarray.

She sang gospel songs
to the rhythm of spattered grease,
pop and spit egg-breading
that slid off chicken legs, frying.
The wheat fields bowed,
I pointed to them and said,
“Even they have clogged arteries”.

She laughed at my city-girl bias
then piled my plate high.
We sat in wooden rockers on her porch
and tossed deep fried morsels
to cats while coon hounds howled
and struggled break their chains.

Her voice faded with the locusts’ song,
and tears washed down the gravy.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi G. I think Leo has a point in shaving this down a little bit. I like his version.

[MichaelFirewalker]

okay, Gina, this seems to be a situation like I have with my poem The First Morning----I absolutely love your poem exactly like it is!!----it is my kind of poem----and I think what we have here is simply a difference in tastes----you either love grease or you don't----you either love some poems to be written over-the-top, or that bothers you, and you want to trim and conservatize them...

some poets are by nature conservative----some are quite over-the-top----some are in the middle between the two----personally, I don't thing everything should be written the same----I think a poet should be able to write out-of-the-box----but when a poet does so, she has to keep in mind that some people simply dislike some kinds of poems, and are made uncomfortable by them...

there is in human nature the desire to make rules for every mode of behavior, of personal expression----that is also true for poetry----there are many rules, and many different kinds of tastes, which are constantly changing----and it seems good to understand all of them...

I wonder if you are going to change your poem----if you do that, I would wonder why you would do that----is it because you really see something inherently wrong with your poem, or is it because you want to please those who think you should change it?----that is the question I am presently asking myself...

michael

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I'm not against trimming, just don't think it needs that much. Leo has some good ideas; I'd look them over. Keep your voice and do a bit of paring. Here's another set of possiblities although I may have wrecked your closing stanza: Ignore all ideas that take away from your own voice. Ron


She brought
cast iron pans and pottery-plates scraped
in patterns of gravy-disarray.

And she smiled singing gospel songs
to the rhythm of popping and spattering grease,
egg-breading sliding off chicken legs frying.
The wheat fields bowed under oil-heavy air,
I pointed to them and teased,
"Even they have clogged arteries."

She laughed at my city-girl bias,
then piled my plate high.
We sat in wooden, front-porch rockers
and tossed greasy morsels
to cats while coon hounds howled
and struggled against chains.

But her voice faded with summer locust songs,
and days left behind folded in tears
to wash the gravy down.

[storyweaver]

Hey guys,

First let me say, Michael, that I am with you, sometimes poems need to be just what they are. I am not sure here what I will do. This is a re-write of an old poem. I wrote the original right after my friend Cindy died of cancer. That was about 2 years ago. I re-wrote the poem to 'her visit' after having a dream about her the other night. So, I am very attatched to the words but am not against tightening where possible without losing my voice and emotional edge, of course. I am glad you like it!

Leo, you may have a point, but I think your version is a bit too trimmed, leaving a feeling of detachment. I want the emotion to show. I do see merit in some of the arrangement you have presented though and thank you for the suggestion--I may consider a trim here and there.

Ron, I like what you did with the closing stanza! I struggled with the wording there--wanted to tie ends but couldn't slide a tight knot. I will look this one over again and may consider a small trim. Thanks for the help!