Off Cheltenham beach (mod V)

[alfredo]

seas
softly undulate
gentle waves
come ashore

sun shines
past the white
that tip toes the blue
catching the dancing kite
skimming below

briny diamonds
before the distant mist

yachts twist beneath
parabolic sheets
gull and child compete
folding out
taking off

a buzzing bee
severs my reverie

[alfredo]

struggling with this stanza ..........any help appreciated:-

briny diamonds
(fire fly reminders)
flick on and off
bringing frowns
as I gaze
into the distant
misting

[Marion Poirier]

Alfredo, I did not read the other revisions.
This looks good except for a tad overwritten.
I trimmed some of the excess.
Very nice piece. Marion

Cheltenham Beach

seas
softly undulate -
gentle waves
come ashore

sun shines past
the white that tiptoes the blue -
catches the dancing kite
skimming below

swimmer’s rhythm
this elbow
that toe
the alternative splash
as kayak’s pass

yachts twist beneath
parabolic sheets -
gull and child compete
folding out -
taking off

briny diamonds
like fireflies
flick on and off -
bringing frowns
I gaze
into the distant
mist

a busy bee
severs the reverie

P.S.
another idea for ending lines:

in the distant mist
a busy bee
severs my reverie

[LynnDoiron]

Alfredo -- You've already received some good suggestions on this one. Think of what I offer as just ideas thrown up for you to think about. I really don't know if they might improve the poem or if the poem is better served to ignore them! As always, your voice and your choice. But, that being said, I wondered if that very charming end couplet might serve as a lovely little opener for the poem:

Off Cheltenham Beach
a busy bee
severs the reverie

of sea's
soft undulations
gentle waves
come ashore

ofsun shines past
the white that tiptoes the of blue
catching the dancing kite. [full stop here; wonderful imagery to pause reader with and let soak in!]
that skims below

A swimmer’s rhythm:
this elbow, that toe
the alternative splash

as kayaks pass,
yachts twist beneath parabolic sheets,
gull and child compete: folding
out, taking off -- briny
diamonds to gaze
through like fire flies'
flickered on and offs

flick on and off
bringing frowns
as I gaze
into the distant
misting and drone
of misplaced bee.

[so sorry . . . but, for you to grin at and then ignore.]
lynn

[alfredo]

thanks Lynn and MP for all suggestions...i have consequently revised last 2 stanzas

[alfredo]

sorry Ive been so long with this one but ..
I have both shortened it (one less stanza - as suggested)
and rearranged other parts........still unsure

[brianedwards]

Hi alfredo - nice to meet you.

Some lovely imagery here, and also some great advice.
I agree with Lynn about starting with the bee - a real nice image.
If not, perhaps

seas softly
undulate

rather than /seas/ as a stand alone. Of course, just my taste, and it's your poem - and a fine one too!

Cheers.

B.

[mfwilkie]

A thought on your opening, 'fredo.

seas undulate
in soft waves
that climb ashore

Maggie

[alfredo]

I think this will do now do you?

[mfwilkie]

'fredo,

Have a thought or two I'm mulling.

A year of learning changes things, amigo.

Maggie