Jack Who?

[storyweaver]

She got the crystal stem wear,
and I,
a watered down, shot glass
version of you

and you wonder why
I vomit when I drink.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Very hard punch to the gut in a very short piece, G. My only pause was in "watered-down". I'd think about a stronger modifier since the result is "vomit", maybe {chipped or rough-chipped} No hyphen needed in "shot glass". Strong stuff. Ron

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi G-

I agree with Ron. How about "dirty" or "filthy" instead of watered down?

[MichaelFirewalker]

okay, this one confused me because I read it literally----that first line says "she got the crystal stemwear", so, I see someone holding an empty piece of crystal stemwear----the third and fourth lines describe "a watered down, shot glass/version of you----that's where it's confusing to me, because in the first line, no liquid is involved, just the single piece of stemwear----so, are you comparing an empty piece with a piece that holds watered down booze?----that doesn't make sense to me----or is there supposed to be some kind of liquid in the first piece too? like champagne, maybe?----are you comparing two kinds of glasses and two kinds of drink, each drink appropriate to its container?----crystal to glass and champagne to whiskey?----elegant and refined to rough and ill-mannered?

michael

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I like the concept Gina. I wonder if you could omit "watered down," because even though "watered down" and "shot glass" are separated by the comma, the reader may see it as a watered down shot glass.

To me the stem ware and shot glass metaphor are sufficient.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

OK, this is waaaay out in left field, and I may be all wet (no pun intended), but how about using a beer mug or beer stein instead of a shot glass? Just floating a test balloon for you to shoot down, babe.

[storyweaver]

Okie-dokie,
I can see this one didn't work ... I had specific thoughts about this one that just didn't translate...ooops. Well, I will re-write and I will try to explain what I want to accomplish-- maybe a suggestion or two will help me out here. But I will have to come back to this to do that. I have had a long day and need to rest.
Thanks everyone for the read.

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

She got the crystal stem wear,
and I,
see her magnified
through the bottom up of a shot glass

and you wonder why
I vomit when I drink.

[storyweaver]

LOL Rick! ;D ;D ;D
That's great! Perfect! But your poem now. You rock!

David, I like the beer mug idea!

My thought process was this:
she got the crystal stemwear (the best part of you)
and I, a watered down (left overs--someone with bagage but nothing inside it) shot glass version of you (cheap, shallow, and quickly drained.)

you wonder why I vomit when I drink (I am sick of it- get over it already)

But I like Rick's version better! Too funny!

[Tina (Firefly)]

Whatever the intent, this one resonated with alot of people! Had to drop in to tell you that I recently saw a bumper sticker which said: I KNOW JACK ____. Seems someone else knows him too. ;D Tina