Postcard to David Horvitz ;)

[purplejacket]

revision

Since sitting down to try today,
My new theory is that you
Had the fortuity to grow weary
Of every witty, cheery thing
I nearly thought to say.

Those would-be wishes were pretty
As a wild band of Black-Eyed-Suzies.



original

My new theory is that you
Had the fortuity to grow weary
Of every witty, cheery thing
I nearly thought to say
Since sitting down to try today.
These would-be wishes were all as pretty
As a bundle of Black-Eyed-Suzies.

[purplejacket]

sorry, Mandy, but I think this one needs a more fetching title.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

I agree. The verse itself is too good to slap that title on it.

[purplejacket]

Any suggestions? What do you think of:

Adumbration #393

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Just pondered and came up empty, although I really don't like Adumbration #393. Maybe just Adumbration, unless of course you really have 392 previous pieces before this about adumbration.

[purplejacket]

How about:
Postcard to a Deity

(to steal someone else's idea)

[LynnDoiron]

These would-be wishes are all --------- pj, because they are would-be rather than happening and past and done, I vote for 'are' rather than 'were' ------------ and, only wee slight bump with bundles because i see bundle like a package, possibly with string, certainly with no visible flowers poking their heads out. ...... maybe 'batches' or 'buckets' or .......

postcard to demeter

I almost want Since sitting down to try to today
in line one position

Since sitting down to try today,
My new theory is that you
Had the fortuity to grow weary
Of every witty, cheery thing
I nearly thought to say.
These would-be wishes are all pretty
As a bucket of Black-Eyed-Suzies.

[purplejacket]

Lynn,
I love your changes, all except are for were. This little note is giving up on trying; though a few thoughts did arise, they weren't written down, they were judged unworthy of the receiver. Maybe a break would help me get away with the tense change. Maybe those instead of these, maybe just the or my.

It took me a long time to come around to moving that line to the opening. I didn't like losing the rhyme for the spacing, but it is a stronger opening.

Also, it may be the best title, but I don't know anything about the Greek mythologies, so I would feel like a fraud to use it.

For me, the word bundle is subconsciously followed by "of sticks." ::shrug:: I like bucket probably just as well as bundle, but now I'm back to looking for a better word or phrase. The image I had in mind was not the image I wrote. It was of a bunch of BESs growing in the ground, thick and bright and a little wild. But I didn't like any of the words I came up with for that. Bunch, bush, stand, crop...

maybe :
as a wild stand of Black-Eyed-Suzies.
(but then I lose the alliteration )

ooh, maybe
as a wild band of Black-Eyed-Suzies.

[LynnDoiron]

I like your David title a lot. Seems perfect. Last two lines seem busy/wordy, but I like band [sounds like a gang, somehow, bandits in a way -- nice.]

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

of the two... the last revision holds up well... those small changes have garnered big rewards. very clean from my place of viewing.... and btw... it was a lovely exchange between your daughter and yourself with small talk... a poem i love and played with great respect and joy. thank you for the touch from your end. tidings, ron