Out of Focus (Two versions)

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Free Verse version

A smudge of a man
trudged the blur
between
a can-do attitude,
a cruel demeanor,
and pooled eyes
hollowed
by too many years
of smearing tears
with fists.

Traditional Version

A smudged, unfocused man,
he trudged the blur between
a can-do attitude,
a coolly cruel demean-
or, pooled and vacant eyes,
two hollowed pits from years
of smearing knotted fists
against his mapping tears.

* Which is better?

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I think you are the only one who thinks you can't write free verse, David. I've always enjoyed your offerings immensely. I like this one, not fond of smearing, think you can find a better word and still maintain the image. I like this alot though and you should more of them.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Not too shabby David. You still hold onto the rhyme, which is good internally. At first I liked the "smudge-blur-smear" connection. But then thought changing "smearing" to "rubbing" might be more clear, at the expense of losing the connection.
Do fists really smear against tears, or do they rub?

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thanks, JL. I actually want "smearing" for the connection with blur, smudge, and tears...along with the rhyming.

I enjoyed writing this. It definitely takes less time.

[Laura Stone]

Hi David....

Forgive my meddling....

A smudge of a man,
trudged the blur
between
a can-do attitude,
a cruel demeanor,
and pooled eyes
hollowed
by too many years
smearing fists
against his tears.

I was struck at wanting to rid this of the prepositions on the ends of lines, and a few words I see as possibly a given like 'out' next to hollowed. I feel hollowed shows that without the word 'out' there. Perhaps even the 'his' in the last line too? I removed just a few others as well... feel free to ignore it all! I like this piece very very much.

Laura

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you, Laura. It's amazing. YOur changes are very similar to the ones I was working on, especially trimming it down. I appreciate it. I'm letting it simmer now, since I wrote this in about 60 seconds, but I'll be coming back to it, maybe even doing a formal version, too.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Now, David, that's like standing two gorgeous creatures side by side an saying which one looks best. Fine job twice, I honestly couldn't take one above the other. I'd move "hollowed" up a line and set it off with a dash in the free verse, and I dare not mess with your traditional verse. Very nicely done. Ron

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you, Ron. I can't decide, either, but I appreciate your fine suggestion.

Jon, I apologize for not addressing you earlier. We must have cross-posted, and I didn't notice that you'd weighed in. I'll consider rubbed, though I've not changed the order of things, and I think smeared will work in its present incarnation. Thank you, buddy.

[Laura Stone]

Hi David,

In the free verse, might you consider moving the word 'of' to the next line? 'of smearing tears'

by too many years
of smearing tears
with fists.

[mfwilkie]

Laura's got a great suggestion, David.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

yeah, definitely move the of but damn, D. I loved the free verse one and then you taunt my meter muse with that 2nd version. They are both grand and Ron is right, there is no better both very well done.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you Laura and JL (again). Laura, my brother Chas suggested the same thing, and I'll do that tootsweet. Since I can't decide betwixt the two, I think I'll let both live and coexist. Much appreciation to all.

David

[MichaelFirewalker]

that first is a great free verse, David!----I like it best because it incorporates some of the regular meter and rhyme of the other version, but this version is more relaxed, and therefore easier to feel emotionally----in my own writing, I also like to mix the two styles, because it seems more interesting to have a few formally structured lines thrown in unobtrusively like that----and besides, those formal lines give the whole peom a better sound...

michael

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you, Michael. I think I'll let both versions live, and let each breathe in the air of the other's style. I appreciate you weighing in, too.

[storyweaver]

Yes, I think both should live too. I am actrually fond of the metered and rhymed version--imagine that!?! However the free verse is very good too. So yes, both must live.

G.