Me First (first revision)

[mfwilkie]

Expected rain stayed away,
but the air was rightly warm, and though time
worked against me, I grabbed at urgency,
let it lead me to the edge of the sea
before night could work its chill on the sand.
Every aspect of the ocean pooled
around me, and sotted with sensations,
I stood there
until the moon came looking for its face
among these words, asking questions
I've grown past answering publically—
though privately, I ask them of myself
all the time.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Good one Mag. Wondering if you could get rid of a couple of ands yet keep the tone

Expected rain stayed away;
the air rightly warm. Though time
worked against me, I grabbed the urge,
let it lead me to the beach
before stars could mingle with night.

[Sherry Thrasher]

Something about the ocean is so humbling and leaves me feeling small. I like this as written. Seems your words found their place.

I was just over on Lynn's blog and she wrote a beautiful account of an eggplant colored ocean and sky. You both amaze me.

Wonderful ending.

Sherry

[LynnDoiron]

'bout my third read I got caught up in how time factors into this and rolls, like gentle swells, from pre-starshine to moonscape. But it's bigger than that, the movement of time. More encompassing somehow. Broader.

I think if you lose the ands, you lose some of the ease, or swells, of the voice of this piece.

Expected rain stayed away;
the air rightly warm(,)* and though time
worked against me, I grabbed the urge
and let it lead me to the beach
before stars (**could mingle) with night.

Every aspect of the ocean pooled
around me, and I remained sotted
with sensations until the moon came
looking for its face on this empty page.

*[maybe insert a comma after warm OR maybe put (parens) around (and though time worked against me) ---- feel like some punctuational device is needed to let read smooth out and bring the 'I' phrasing in closer proximity to the air phrase; wouldn't actually move phrasings but would punct. one way or another for clarity.]

**[could seems weak here; truth is, I think you can do better than 'could mingle' -- even though I do get a good image of that moment of fading day; there's something not fading at all however about that moment and I think you can get more bang for your buck there; a birth is about to happen, and not just of stars in a night sky ---- wish I had some helpful suggestion . . .]

[mfwilkie]

Thanks for the looks-see, all.

Made a small change to this first stanza of this draft:
urgency for urge,

and put in the comma Lynn suggested.

Maggie