Building the Snake

[LynnDoiron]

Decide on the look first.
Will there be one color, or two,
and will they be warm or cold, plain
or bold? Both or either or none?

Feed the snake prisms and small suns, one a week.
If there are rainbows (and there will be)
collect them by net and stuff them back in.
Pay no attention to his cleft tongue; once
it was whole and real, though
never made of rubies.

When you build his eyes,
and you find you’re without iris and lid,
go to the tin of buttons Elsie left,
find two glassy blacks, glassy as obsidian
minus the edge capable of dull cuts.
These will see as much as ever artifice did.
You’ll sense them prying your ribs apart
with sharp stares, trying to get at your heart.

Coil him, then, in a corner of dark.
Remember, he is your bright invention,
one to continue to build, one to unravel
at will.

[mfwilkie]

My V for sure, Chicky. After hearing it, then looking at the spacing, some thoughts that led to edits for you to consider.

Decide on the look first.

Should its skin be one strand or two,
warm or cold, or plain or bold, or both?

And once a week (after he's complete)
feed him prisms and the smallest suns

Another thought, Lynn, is to move the some stanzas around'; those rubies need to end this piece, i think.

Decide on the look first.
Will there be one color, or two,
and will they be warm or cold, plain
bold?
Both
or either
or none?

When you build his eyes,
and you find you’re without iris and lid,
go to the tin of buttons Elsie left,
find two glassy blacks, glassy as obsidian
minus the edge capable of dull cuts.
These will see as much as ever artifice did.
You’ll sense them prying your ribs apart
with sharp stares, trying to get at your heart.

Feed the snake prisms and small suns, one a week.
If there are rainbows (and there will be)
collect them by net and stuff them back in.

Coil him, then, in a corner of dark.
Remember, he is your bright invention,
one to continue to build, one to unravel

Pay no attention to his cleft tongue;
once it was whole and real,
though never made of rubies.

Mugs

[LynnDoiron]

Will take your suggestions under consideration. When I'm writing, when the conclusion comes, it is not always the right one. Although, in this case, as, in the end, the work seemed to be about process and choices -- it felt kind of good to remind me of the fact that what I create is mine to put away, or not. What I mean is, the poem sort of came around to a place where it "could" begin to eat its own tail, in a sense. [and at the moment, i'm not making much sense, so will shuddup.]

Thank you very, very much my dear friend for comments and thoughts.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I read this as a bit of fantasy, yet the subject of creation is more than that. By collecting natural elements and pouring them into the embryo, so to speak, it then becomes part of nature itself.
Adding Elsie's black buttons incorporates part of the man-made with which to embellish the project. Those eyes..........snake-like, they imitate the snake's action, and interject emotion.

So.......we have nature, man, and emotion....the building blocks of the snake, it's creation...........left open to either continue the process, or dismantle it...........

A poem to rattle one's cage indeed.

[LynnDoiron]

Thanks for the comments, jon. Much appreciated.

[alfredo]

I this intrigues and get into me. Liked it so much I played:-


decide the look.
one colour, or two,
perhaps warm or cold
plain or bold
either, both or none
feed snake prisms
and small suns, one a week.

if rainbows (and there will be)
net them and stuff them back

ignore his cleft tongue
once whole and real,
though never of rubies

when you come to his eyes,
for iris and lid
seek the tin of buttons Elsie left,
take two glassy blacks,
these will see as much as artifice ever did
they’ll try to pry your ribs apart
those sharp stares,
to get your heart.

coil him in a dark corner
he’s your bright invention
one to continue to build
one to unravel

[LynnDoiron]

Thanks Alfredo -- glad you had some fun with rewriting.