Like when it Snows

[alfredo]

droplets here and there
gather on each leaf
until enough,
then they run amuck.

soon the mist is here
while the distance is not;
everything you view
is close but distant;
and noises
no longer carry
- like when it snows.

later,
white clouds drag
across the Brisbane blue
billowing into snowy mountains,
before they concentrate
and darken to touch the line
sharp below.


Before

Falling mist
merges with the damp
lifting off leaves and grass.
bringing droplets here and there
to gather on each leaf until enough
and then
they run amuck.

Soon the mist is here
and the distance is not
and everything you view
is close but distant.
And the noises are near
without carrying,
like it is
when it snows.

Later,
white clouds drag
across the Brisbane blue
turning cotton to billowing snowy mountains,
before they concentrate
and darken to touch the line
sharp below.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Okay, I've probably just massacred a fine poem, but I think you've got a gem inside this. The whole second stanza detracts form some fine images, in my far less than expert opinion. I'd pare this jewel down to the suggestions below, but I may have shredded your voice. If so your understanding of your own work far supercedes mine so feel free to loosen the girthstrap on my saddle and I'll just let the horse kick me in the head. I really like the images you have here, especially the "Brisbane blue". Ron

Now the falling mist
merges with the lifting damp
that riseslifting off the leaves and grass.
Its wispiness slips among the trees
bringing small droplets here and there
to gather on each leaf until enough
and then
they run amuck.

Soon the mist is here
and the distance is not
and everything you view
is close but distant.
And the noises are near
without carrying,
like it is
when it snows.

But later,
light, white clouds drag
across the sticky Brisbane blue
turning slowly to cotton wool puffs;
to billowing into snowy mountains{,}
Far belowbefore they concentrate
and darken gloomily,
to touch the line that's now sharp below.

[alfredo]

my initial reaction is ...you make me laugh ...with your polite comments. I will look closely at your changes later.........many thanks

[alfredo]

Ron, I’ve galloped though your changes but the middle stanza sticks to my saddle like a rodeo rider. Are you sure I should take a Smith and Weston to
Signed
The man Snowy River, Australia.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I thought that second stanza might hold on, and it's likely just my reading. Give me time for a few more reads, and let a few others weigh in possibly before opening fire. Always trust your own voice the most. Ron

[ramadevi]

I like the second stanza, and i think this poem is tremendously improved with teh eidts you
ve made. Pruning to perfection is a great thing.

the tone and imagery communicate a lot, but i would love to see a few lines of personal reference thrown in. the poem focuses on the external scenery but does not project much of the internal response to the scenery. Just a thought.

[alfredo]

This is a revisit/revision/pairing taking into account some of Ron’s excellent suggestions.