|
|
Post by sandpiper on Jan 30, 2008 23:14:45 GMT -5
Canis Lupus Lycaon
"Come Men of Bronze, arise for us today.
A Hero's ilk- no flood can cause you harm.
The Men of Ash have all been washed away-
deserving not the fire with which I arm
you now. Rise strong, and pay your sacrifice
with slabs of fat and bone wrapped tight in skin,
but keep the meat for sustenance." Advice
we took with pride- ate heartily our kin,
with offerings of gristle left for Gods.
Then He showed up for supper, sunken-faced;
he stooped and dressed in beggar's clothes (at odds
with one divine). We offered him a taste
of fresh stewed baby's heart upon a spoon.
We still decry our fates up to the moon.
|
|
|
|
Post by sandpiper on Jan 30, 2008 23:15:56 GMT -5
another of these myth sonnets I had written last year, and am trying to work on again.
|
|
|
|
Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 30, 2008 23:38:31 GMT -5
lycanthropes!...gotta love 'em...soooo "evilly" anthropomorphic!----you clearly lay out the law of survival of the fittest, the fittest, of course, being the werewolf, who shows us after all the work is done by the strong human males[the Men of Ash have all been washed away]----the werewolf hides his power in disguise of tattered weakness, but they realize what he is, and that he's here to devour the weakest among them [the fresh-stewed baby's heart], and to rule...
with what are you not happy?
michael
|
|
|
|
Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 31, 2008 6:33:08 GMT -5
Not much here to nit, dangit, Piper. I like your mythical pieces, and you've employed enjambment very well here, though I wonder if possibly too much. Still, each stop is well-orchestrated. (Yes, I'm arguing with myself. Nothing to see here). "Come Men of Bronze, arise for us today. A Hero's ilk- no flood can cause you harm. The Men of Ash have all been washed away- deserving not the fire with which I arm you now. Rise strong, and pay your sacrifice (I think "pay" may not be the best choice there) with slabs of fat and bone wrapped tight in skin(maybe a comma here instead of after "but") but, keep the meat for sustenance." Advice we took with pride- ate heartily our kin, with offerings of gristle left for Gods. Then He showed up for supper, sunken face,(  he stooped and dressed in beggar's clothes at odds with his stature. We offered up a taste (Meter's off in this one) of fresh stewed baby's heart upon a spoon. We still decry our fates up to the moon. |
|
|
|
Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 31, 2008 8:40:32 GMT -5
Thought a bit, Piper. How about:
you now. Rise strong; endow your sacrifice
|
|
|
|
Post by sandpiper on Jan 31, 2008 8:47:08 GMT -5
Thank you Michael and David,
I appreciate you taking the time... and, Michael, I guess to find out if it's worth the effort, or if it's accessible enough, and what doesn't work for people... like any other poem. These I wrote during April last year, had a bunch of sonnets that month, a lot of them regarding the myths, but, they were written hastily, and I'd like to now go through the revision processes on them.
David, I'll make the punc. changes now, Thank you, but I'm stuck on the one line...
I originally had "with his high stature", which worked ok, but the end made it too many syllables.
I like the "we" there though, so I'm stuck...
hmmm... I'm thinking...
Thanks!
-piper
|
|
|
|
Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 31, 2008 9:07:12 GMT -5
A few more thoughts, Pipee.
Come Men of Bronze, arise for us today.
A Hero's ilk- no flood can cause you harm.
The Men of Ash have all been washed away-
deserving not the fire with which I arm
you now. Rise strong, and pay your sacrifice
with slabs of fat and bone wrapped tight in skin,
but keep the meat for sustenance." Advice
we took with pride- ate heartily our kin,
with offerings of gristle left for Gods.
Then He showed up for supper, sunken face;(sunken-faced) makes it a true rhyme
he stooped and dressed in beggar's clothes at odds
with his stature. We offered up a taste (with lofty stature. We allowed a taste) keeps you from having "up" twice within a few lines of fresh stewed baby's heart upon a spoon.
We still decry our fates up to the moon.
|
|
|
|
Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 31, 2008 17:23:22 GMT -5
well, this one is worth it----it's not one of those corny myth stories----it is a myth, but you make it real----it exudes a low growl of ferocity from first to last----your lycanthrope is alive, believably real, understated, and scary as hell, because by some perverted, very human, hind-brain response, he somehow presents to me here as admirable...
michael
|
|
|
|
Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Feb 1, 2008 9:52:32 GMT -5
Thought I had left a review here, piper, but I guess I never finished it.
I agree with David's suggestion of "sunken-faced"
Line 12 is a tough customer, considering you want to keep the "we" and work it into meter.
I have thought, and will think some more about that line and the adjacent ones to try to be helpful in this regard.
One other thing that bumped me...One usually decries, not decries up. I'll think on that one too.
Great sonnet, regardless.......
|
|
|
|
Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Feb 1, 2008 15:10:09 GMT -5
Piper...this is good, good stuff. Classic and powerful...the pace is extraordinary and carries a very powerful narrative...I would not ignore the power of pace in other poems you write...forget the staccato (language school)...pacing is what great writing and in this case narrative are about...I lose the pace when I get here:
in beggar's clothes at odds
with his stature.
I woould suggest:
in beggar's clothes at odds
with a stature strong.
Nice write. Thanks.
|
|
|
|
Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Feb 1, 2008 16:33:44 GMT -5
I think Leo's hitch with the pace in that line, Piper, was the problem with the meter. Fix the meter, and the hitch is healed. However, his suggestion still doesn't address the metrical problem. I'm a-thinkin'.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Feb 1, 2008 16:47:24 GMT -5
Then He showed up for supper sunken-faced;
he stooped and dressed with beggars clothes at odds
with stature strong. We offered up a taste
of fresh-stewed baby's heart upon a spoon--
decrying fates while praying to the moon.
|
|
|
|
Post by sandpiper on Feb 2, 2008 9:14:38 GMT -5
Ah, thank you so much David, Jon and Leo.
for your time and helping me think this one through.
ok, sunken-faced is a given. (making that change)
I've got two versions of the one line now...
which one?
...at odds
with regal stature, so we served a taste
of fresh-stewed baby's heart upon a spoon...
OR
...at odds
with stature strong. We offered him a taste
of fresh-stewed baby's heart upon a spoon.
the stature strong allows for the rest of the line to work within the initial framework which I like, but I kind of enjoy the regal added, so I can't make up my mind... (nothing unusual there)
Thanks everyone!
-piper
|
|
|
|
Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Feb 2, 2008 12:04:33 GMT -5
I like regal better, Piperoony, because stature strong is one of those inverted groupings that can be perceived as having its construction strictly meter-driven. I'm headed to lunch. Will be back in a bit with more thoughts...I hope.
|
|
|
|
Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Feb 2, 2008 13:41:45 GMT -5
Piper, "stately" would also work, since you're talking about "regal".
|
|
|
|
Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Feb 2, 2008 13:48:06 GMT -5
OK, how about "with his distinction, so we served a taste"
or "with his regard; we offered him a taste"?
|
|
|
|
Post by sandpiper on Feb 2, 2008 18:42:14 GMT -5
Thanks! ok, changed it again....
:-}
|
|
antman
EP Gold 750 Posts Plus
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Posts: 958
|
Post by antman on Feb 2, 2008 20:15:28 GMT -5
The myth works in this one.
Interesting sonnet and it's comming
together real well may be even be a classic!
anthony
|
|
|
|
Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Feb 2, 2008 22:01:15 GMT -5
I like your change, Piper.
|
|
