Byrony

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Byrony

“Lovers can never just be friends,” he said
when her reversed affections left him slighted.
He scrawled a sonnet, knifed it to her bed,
then limped away (as always), unrequited.

The letters he’d received by messenger
were very clear “Dear John, back off!” dismissals
to which he artfully replied to her
in sonnets or in unabridged epistles.

But his Byronic actions, all the stuff
of tragic heroes, led the cops to show
up with a warrant to arrest and cuff
a man “mad, bad and dangerous to know.”

His last attempt, in fourteen lines, to court her
bedecked the back of his restraining order.

David Nelson Bradsher

[sandpiper]

ah, I like. I like everything except the word inscribed which isn't hitting me as well as it could be, I think possibly a word more along the meaning of decorated would work better in my mind. (and it's probably just my mind that's the problem, as that always has me automatically think of etched, instead of written)
great sonnet,
-piper

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you, Piper. You've hit the one word I'm not satisfied with, and I've had everything from inscribed to defaced to adorned to appends. Maybe adorned? I could say "had etched the back of his restraining order. What say you, O ocean warbler?

Thanks again.

David

[sandpiper]

adorned, bedecked.... I think both would work a little easier on my little knockin' the sand out of my ears brain.
The only other part here that I would look at again would be this line:
led cops to show
with signed-off warrants to arrest and cuff
a man “mad, bad and dangerous to know.”

... The led cops to show with... my mind desperately want the show up with... so that distracts me a little from the write. I think it works as is, but can't help but wish it was smoother there. I was playing with the idea of cops to come, and then looking for a rephrase of the dangerous line to match the rhyme.
But, again, just my ears, and mind ...
I really like this one.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi Piper. You know, bedecked was not one I'd considered, but I like it because it throws a semi-archaic word at a man obsessed with a figure from a bygone era. I think I'll use it, with your kind permission.

I'll keep at that other line. Thank you.

David

[mfwilkie]

“Lovers can never be just friends,” he said
when her affections cooled, and left him slighted.
He scrawled a sonnet, knifed it to her bed,
then limped away(.)/—Love/love languished unrequited.

The letters he’d received by messenger
had been in were very clear “Dear John, back off!” dismissals
to which he artfully replied to her
with in sonnets or with and more aptly-penned epistles.

From 'led to cuff" is an awkward read in the next stanza, David.

But his Byronic temperament (the stuff
of tragic archetypes) led cops to show
with a signed warrant to arrest and cuff
a man “mad, bad and dangerous to know.”

His last attempt, in fourteen lines, to court her
had decked inscribed(s) the back of his restraining order.

I think you need to be careful of the syntax in this piece, D.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thanks, Mags. I may integrate one or two of your ideas. Working on it today. It was a huge hit on the 'Sphere.

[mfwilkie]

Like the changes, muh cara.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thanks, Mags. I think this one is done.

[mfwilkie]

For now, sugar plum, for now.

[Sherry Thrasher]

A Byronic sonnet. A girl's gotta love this one. I keep trying to tell Kole to take up French and poetry and that the two together will get him girls. He replies that he will get them with his muscles. Can't blame a Mom for trying.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Give him time, Sherry, give him time. At least he's reading like a madman now.

[sanctus]

Ah, but this is a good one David! Byrony, indeed! Damn fine ending, sir! I wouldn't touch this with an epiphany!

Daniel

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you, brother.

[GD Martin]

David, when I just picture your sonnet in my head, I have to appreciate the subtle humor throughout your expression of this pathetic, but somewhat gallant individual with his brand of romance in your sonnet, who is out his time element; one whom over a century earlier could have gotten away with what society now considers stalking. Affixing a sonnet with a knife to the female antagonist's bed (as seen in L3) was simply rich, and sets the stage about the man we are looking at (I can almost see my inner man in that role). You have packed a lot of cleverness and information into only fourteen lines, and I applaud the use of the spirit of Lord Byron being attached to an almost Peter Lorre sort of individual, who seems to be down in his luck winning the full affections of this certain broad. I suppose if I had tried to take the harder road of trying to offer some useful poetic advice to you about your sonnet, it would not be nearly as pleasurable to me as just sitting back and merely enjoying your special brand of writing as I have known over the years, and have learned to expect from you. _GD

[Angel Clementine]

David,
I am just one more commenter to the list of many who had already visited here; I tried my hardest to be of use to you, to find maybe a better way of saying something already written in an earlier draft, but "some others beat me to it". So now I can only appear to be a gusherer. Oh well. Thank you for using The Shakespeare sonnet style (it's my favorite style of poetry).

Angel

[solwic]

I know this is an old post, but it's one of your best, Mr. Bradsher.

Especially that couplet at the end. Brilliant!

[GD Martin]

I am glad to see this again, David--this is seriously funny, in addition to being a good example or template of how one can write an interestingly structured and worded sonnet, using enjambment, and turns of sentences (your cleverness is a gift). GD