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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Jan 24, 2008 17:28:59 GMT -5
In the powered ashes of my last rental car,
I leave the remains of a contract
we once soughed like a teasing wave—
leave you pointing to your heart
as you say you can no longer hear the sound
nor feel the pounding of the moment that connects
recollection with the carousel of joy.
Now, I am left to lift three bags from my trunk—
one beige and filled with old tee shirts and underwear,
one red and over-weighed
with wine, golden truffles and hiking gear,
the third is black, empty, and clean
other than soiled silence of memory.
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Post by johnnysaturn on Jan 24, 2008 18:36:08 GMT -5
Some really exceptional moments in this. I really got a buzz out of it. I do have a reservation about the last line which strikes me as a teeny bit prosaic and think the poem would finish on a much more resonant note if it is chopped;the significance of the title then just falls into place.
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Jan 24, 2008 21:15:26 GMT -5
I like this a lot, Leo. I might kill "All" in the last line, but it may be a necessary pace word for your reading voice. As JS said there are exceptional images within the work, short yet solid. Ron
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Post by ramadevi on Jan 25, 2008 8:39:01 GMT -5
I agree, this is exceptional!
You voice entirely.
Strong closing.
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Jan 25, 2008 13:23:39 GMT -5
I think it's a very strong poem but have to admit that the first ending really grabbed me even more. Still, I would like to suggest a slight revision to the present ending, though I don't want to take away your intention.
"..the third is black and empty,
just cleaned and wiped in the silence
of memory."
As usual, though, it stings and fills the imagination. Tina
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 25, 2008 21:31:00 GMT -5
I like what you did in this revision, Leo.
It's tight.
Maggie
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on Jan 26, 2008 19:22:22 GMT -5
I think sometimes we can edit and carve too much meat from the bones. If my opinion counts, I preferred the earlier version. Sorry, Magpie.
Leo, I really do enjoy your work. It connects with me and I always scan the page looking for something new. I read this when you first posted it and should have commented on how much I liked it. Sorry, I'm self absorbed right now. I do enjoy your work immensely.
Sherry
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Post by johnnysaturn on Jan 27, 2008 12:47:54 GMT -5
Proving the old adage that more is less. Great piece, Leo.
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Jan 27, 2008 13:03:47 GMT -5
You got it, my darlin. This speaks. Hurts. Speaks louder. Hurts even more. The slight revision made a huge difference. Good work. Tina
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