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Post by ramadevi on Jan 25, 2008 9:01:08 GMT -5
newly Revised: ((LOL))
wind-whispered secrets
jostling crowds murmer echoes
forest eavesdropping
Revised:
wind whispers secrets
jostling crowds murmur echoes—
forest eavesdropping
Original
wind-whispered secrets
jostling crowds murmer echoes
forest eavesdropping
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 25, 2008 9:39:23 GMT -5
Thinking here, rama.
Maggie
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 26, 2008 0:49:07 GMT -5
with these few words of yours, I am able to see the redwoods near SF, and hikers along trails, laughing and chattering, when a wind dips down from the tops of the trees, scoots around and between the hikers, booting them in their rears, and trying to become a part of their conversations...nice...
michael
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Jan 26, 2008 8:27:31 GMT -5
I like the haiku, rama. I might change line 1 to read
"wind whispers secrets"
thereby giving some connection between lines 1 and 2. Otherwise line 1 stands by itself.
Unless I am misinterpreting.
I think I heard a tree fall...................
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 27, 2008 0:58:17 GMT -5
Rama,
I like jon's suggestion. Would you consider adding the m-dash after echoes?
I think it gives the ku just enough pause before your move to the last line.
Maggie
wind whispers secrets
jostling crowds murmur echoes—
forest eavesdropping
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Post by ramadevi on Jan 27, 2008 11:30:25 GMT -5
Thanks Maggie, Jon, Michael!
really like your suggestions Maggie and Jon!
Michael...i chuckled reading your imaginative elaboration on the scene! Funny, i had envisioned a remote place...but hikers must have come to eavesdrop too...with the leaves.
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Jan 27, 2008 12:39:36 GMT -5
Your work always soothes me somehow. I like the edits, think they work very well. Ron
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 27, 2008 16:07:20 GMT -5
O Rama-sister, what Ron just said above is your own truth, and so beautiful...
michael
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antman
EP Gold 750 Posts Plus
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Posts: 958
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Post by antman on Jan 28, 2008 8:36:40 GMT -5
Nice ku rama I agree with Ron,
there is serenity and a peace about
your work.
anthony
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 29, 2008 8:35:53 GMT -5
Nice, Rama. I like the first line after Jon's suggestion, but I don't know what the original was. I would suggest keeping both posted so you can get a cross-section of ideas. As Ron said, very soothing.
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Post by ramadevi on Jan 29, 2008 8:51:31 GMT -5
Thank you David...that is a very good point.
The original was
wind-whispered secrets
jostling crowds murmer echoes
forest eavesdropping
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Jan 29, 2008 8:58:13 GMT -5
Hi rama. Just for another opinion, why don't I PM Marion and get her take? She always has valuable input.
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Post by ramadevi on Jan 29, 2008 10:02:30 GMT -5
Thank you also to Ron, Michelle, Anthony and Jon!
Jon, that is a nice idea...thank you. What a sweet, considerate soul you are!!!
Ron, it makes my soul smile hearing your words, and hearing them seems soothing to me too.
Michelle What a dear! My soul-smiled wider with your reinforcement~!
Anthony, my soul is totally grinning with the extra-super reinforcement. And nice to see you here again, its been awhile.
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 29, 2008 10:20:09 GMT -5
Rama, I actually like the original better. I think it stands fine as it was.
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Post by ramadevi on Jan 29, 2008 10:30:33 GMT -5
Thanks David. I agree. It is funny, because i also agreed with the edits when i made them. But it just goes to show that we shoudlalways come back and reconsider a piece after getting some distance from it.
I think Wind-whispered sounds bette and the dash may be distrating in such a short poem.
But i am also open to hearing other's votes on the matter.
LOL
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 29, 2008 10:31:44 GMT -5
That's what we're here for, my friend. In the end, it's your baby and you need to determine what works best for your vision.
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Post by Marion Poirier on Jan 30, 2008 22:41:58 GMT -5
wind-whispered secrets
jostling crowds murmer echoes
forest eavesdropping
Rama, you have a lot of personification in this poem
two out of three lines that I think is over-done for a ku.
Personifications are used in haiku's though some
editors frown at them.
As far as haiku is concerned, the images
must be concrete,
and this is too abstract for a haiku in my opinion.
You also have a verb in each line and it is rather
heavy. Is this entire scene happening simultaneously?
It must be happening in the instant- not spread over
any period of time and that is my perception of this scene-
that it is not all happening at once.
I know you are trying to keep the syllable
count of 5-7-5 but it would be better without
jostling; haiku's use modifiers sparingly
and these poems are also untitled.
Sometimes the first line is used as the title.
What you have here is a short poem Not every three
line poem is a haiku, but it is a lovely short poem.
Best regards,
Marion
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