Laguna

[Laura Stone]

Laguna (edits 2)


Cliffs drop
to the sea

where dusk
outlines
palm trees

along a slant
of craggy rocks;

ocean currents
twinkle
under a moonlit
sky.

The sea
in a roll
along the shore

folds up
to unroll
once more,

and gentle
conversation
shifts silence

to warmth-
in a shawl
of comfort.

[MichaelFirewalker]

Hi, Laura----I know this place, a little ways up the coast from Miami. exquisite in the moonlight----love the poem, can really picture the scene----also love it sounds, with all those O's for the rolling ocean, and the image of the warm shawl of comforts...

for S2 and S3, what would you think of:

where dusk
outlines
palm tree

silhouettes
along the slant
of craggy rocks;


michael

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

I almost always like your work but I have to say this one just falls flat for me. Being from the left coast, I've been to Laguna and it's a much more magical place that's described in this poem. First, Laguna is more a village than a city...hence, you are drawing the wrong image for people. All the images seem cliche and unimaginative. You're a much better writer and thinker than this...I'd start over!

[Laura Stone]

Leo,

Hmm... Perhaps the wrong title. I suppose it was more about the feeling it gave me then the place. I am definately a product of my existence in nothing but cities, even the fact that I would never have considered any other word because it just seemed like a "little" city to me. I don't have much confidence to start over, Leo. Will just chalk this one up to something too cliche and unimaginative. It happens....

Thanks for reading my work. Your suggestions and ideas I do greatly admire. And thank you for pointing out that I do think and write better. I do however think that not "all" my images are cliche and unimaginative. Surely there is one that is not.

Laura

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Coastline
cliffs drop
to the sea

where dusk
outlines
palm trees

in silhouette (you've already said outlined)
along the slant
of craggy (perhaps jagged) rocks(.)

Ocean currents
shimmer
in city lights.

The oceansea (to avoid repetition)
in a roll
along the shore(

folds up again
to unroll
once more(,)

and gentle
conversation
shifts silence

to warmth(-)
in a shawl
of comfort.

I Like these last two stanzas and do not find them cliched.

There is potential here, Laura. Look for some metaphor, perhaps, or personification, to diversify the similar verse structure.

Hope this is helpful......Jon

[johnnysaturn]

I'm inclined to agree with Jon on this. I wouldn't forsake this ; the earlier stanzas are to my ears a bit generic and need you to put your personal stamp on them. I think you could drop "coastline" as well- "cliffs drop to the sea" is a nice phrase and (I may be wrong) implies a shoreline without the need to spell it out.