joanmarie
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Post by joanmarie on Jul 1, 2008 20:42:42 GMT -5
picking rose hips
the drone of bees
in purple coneflowers
J.M. Jotz
2008
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Post by Marion Poirier on Jul 1, 2008 20:51:35 GMT -5
Joan,
I am thrilled to see you writing and posting
another Ku.
It looks very near perfect - but I will have to
ponder it a bit more. I will be back later.
Lovely work as always.
Marion
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Post by Marion Poirier on Jul 1, 2008 20:57:25 GMT -5
This is just a thought, Joan. Have you tried these lines
in a different order? Perhaps moving line 1 to line 3.
Do you want the focus to be on rose hips or on the
drone of bees? The subject should be in the first line.
I'm not sure about starting the poem with a gerund.
Just some food for thought, my friend.
Great image!
M
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Post by mfwilkie on Jul 2, 2008 2:11:12 GMT -5
M's right, Joan, it is a lovely image.
I'm wondering, Marion, if the ku would need a dash after cornflowers if Joan switched those lines.
Maggie
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Post by brianedwards on Jul 2, 2008 2:22:34 GMT -5
I think it reads too linear if the lines are switched, though good points about the subject and the gerund.
Maggies suggestion works.
But it works as it is too.
By the way, Hi Joan - I'm kinda new. Great to read your work.
B.
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Post by Marion Poirier on Jul 2, 2008 2:36:57 GMT -5
Joan, I agree with Maggie;
If you decide to switch the lines, a dash
would be a good call for clarification.
Excellent work, regardless of what you
decide.
M
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joanmarie
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Posts: 998
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Post by joanmarie on Jul 2, 2008 16:19:51 GMT -5
Hi everyone,
Thank-you Marion, Maggie, and Brian for your ideas and comments.
Marion, I did want the focus of the Haiku to be the action of pikcing rose hips, the bees and flowers are the background.
I like how the image comes across just the way the lines are, and don't think I will change the order. But I appreciate the different perspectives each of you offered.
Hi B and welcome!!
Be well,
Joan
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Jul 2, 2008 22:54:46 GMT -5
Joan, I'm glad you didn't switch the lines. For me the image works just as you have it. I'm not a haiku kind of guy, but this one paints a nice image for me. Ron
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joanmarie
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Posts: 998
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Post by joanmarie on Jul 3, 2008 10:06:02 GMT -5
Hi Ron,
Thanks for stopping by and taking a look. Glad you enjoyed this, appreciate the feedback!
Joan
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Post by Marion Poirier on Jul 3, 2008 18:32:43 GMT -5
Joan,
another suggestion - just food for thought:
The senses should be invoked when the opportunity
arises for a more vivid image.
Outstanding as is - M
scent of rose hips
droning bees gather
in purple coneflowers
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joanmarie
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Posts: 998
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Post by joanmarie on Jul 3, 2008 19:22:46 GMT -5
Hi Marion,
Thanks for the idea, but rose hips don't have a scent, they're more like seed pods. Appreciate your time and help.
Joan
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