The Tree

[Laura Stone]

The Tree (edits 2)

When I was small,
I’d sit in the top
of a summer tree,
peer through songs
of dancing leaves.

I grew seasoned
with bare branch veins,
gathered all the moths
I could find to my hands,

then blew my breath
into their wings,
and waited for colors to come.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

This is very lovely and whimsical, Laura, almost child-like, with just a touch of pathos. I would suggest just a bit of tightening in the 2nd and 3rd verses:

"I grew seasoned
with bare
branch veins,
gathered
all the moths
I could find,
to my hands

and blew my breath
into their wings,
waiting
for colors
to come.

The words I have struck through are extraneous to me..one gathers with one's hands, and blows with one's breath.
See my intent? Just a bit of pruning and the statement becomes more solid.

I enjoyed the read. Jon

[Sherry Thrasher]

Great imagery in this one. I'd suggest another title and agree that Jon is on the money. This is good work.

Sherry

[LynnDoiron]

i like to my hands and my breath -- i think it expands on the innocence of childlike wonder in the voice, the "my" factor, the amazement of being -- if you know what I mean . . . Wonderful lovely write in my opinion -- but you already knew I was lovin' this one.

lynn

p.s. i do see jon's reasons for suggesting the cuts, and he could be right on the money.

[mfwilkie]

Laura,

What a lovely piece.

Just a few suggestions on enjambment. And i'm not sure about the semi after trees. I think maybe a comma instead.

Maggie



When I was small,
I’d sit in the top
of a summer tree;
peer through songs
of dancing leaves.

I grew seasoned
with bare branch veins,
gathered all the moths
I could find to my hands,

and then blew my breath
into onto their wings,
waiting for colors to come.

[Laura Stone]

Maggie, Thanks for the suggestion about line... I definately didn't want to lose the rythym of the line and feel your suggestions along with some earlier have now made this sing as I wish it to. I did however keep one word that you suggested to be cut, certainly not necessary, but felt on the read with and without it, I liked it better with 'and' left in....

Thanks to all who have read this... I saw a lot of life as a young girl as I spent most days in the top of a tree with my books. It has been a nice journey back through all those emotions to find that place again. This is really more a story of my belief as a 7 or 8 year old to influence life. Somehow as we all get older, our confidence is shaken but at this time of my life, I felt I could do anything!! I appreciate all the reads and lovely suggestions on this one.

Laura

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Hi Laura...........After reading Lynn's post, and hearing your wanting to preserve rhythm, I reconsidered my comments and rescind them.

In your edit, I prefer "into their wings" which sounds smoother (even though the connotation is not exact)

[Sherry Thrasher]

I've wandered through this forest again. I really enjoy this poem. It has a magical feeling to it. So very well done.

Sherry

[ramadevi]

When i was small i also used to climb tall trees and read....so i feel a kinship with this piece.

Definately magical, child-like and lovely. A super-enjoyable read.

[mfwilkie]

laura,

Stopped by to enjoy this again and had a thought:

When I was small,
I’d sit in the top
of a summer tree,
peer through songs
of from dancing leaves.

Maggie