D's For Daddy

[Angel Clementine]

D's For Daddy
(by Angel Clementine)

D's for Daddy driving drunk
(he dodged dry, sober ways).
Still, certain drugs were his first choice,
mid-aged through Dylan’s days.

Pop passed the bar when Twenty-three,
then conquered City Halls.
Mom said that "tales of their young love"
were carved on County walls.

One tainted night with teary sight,
Dad met his Waterloo.
Although a child, I was so sad;
he left at Forty-two.

I heard Ma cry that night he went,
faced down on our front lawn.
Damned drugs deal desperate dreams to tots;
my daddy died near dawn.

[GD Martin]

Ah yes, those "Dylan's days", i.e., the Sixties! So sad, my chickadee, but if you don't put quotation marks around "middling age" in line 4, I am certain that no one will figure out what that means, except you and I.

Love your alliteration, love your style, and the way you don't try to talk above people's heads, in a genuine effort to communicate your feelings, and not to impress. Many poets have turned up their noses at a steady rhythm, and yet, like Van Gogh, you either don't give a rat's patootey, or just plain find no good reason to change. Hoohah! _GD

[GD Martin]

On second thought, Angel, I am not sure I like your title ("Letter Dee"). A title is your first hook, and you have not hooked any commenters, except me, and it was not because of the title. Even if nobody liked you, you probably should have attracted one other person with, at least, a nasty review, by now. _GD

[Angel Clementine]

Thank you, GD. I agreed with at least one of your comments. As for your opinion about why no one has commented on my poem, yet, except you, people are busy, and most don't visit the Dance Hall. Plus, I don't comment too often in the poetic prose section of this website, because my brain doesn't operate in that area, and poets usually only comment back to other poets whom have first commented to THEM. It is fair, and I don't mind. _Angel

[Sherry Thrasher]

I've read this several times but have been super busy with school. Don't know what dots are or of middling age. I've been reading alot of free verse in my classes and we are forbidden to write in end rhyme. Perhaps simply Letter D. Dee makes me think of a woman and it throws me a bit. Hello to you both.

Sherry

[mfwilkie]

Angel,

Here's a suggestion on tightening your opening:

D's for Daddy driving drunk
(he dodged life's sober ways).

And you have a terrific couplet!

Damned drugs deal desperate dreams to tots;
my daddy died, while doing dots.

What comes in-betwen should be as clear as these four lines are.

I read this line and the bar I assume is a lawyer's state exam:

Pop passed the bar when Twenty-three,

Then in this line, I haven't a clue what the V intends.

then broke broad bears and crashed through walls.

This is also well done:

At twenty-four, he shagged my mom;
she “had a thing for big, brass balls”.

I recommend working on the lines that don't quite reach the tone and clarity of the ones I pointed out.

What you have here is definately worth the effort of some serious revision.

Maggie

NB

The picture thing- still working on it.

[Angel Clementine]

I want to thank you BOTH (Sherry and Maggie).
You are so kind to take the time to read and make suggestions for my poetry. You never cease to point me in the right direction in what I need to edit. It is nice to hear from either of you, even if it is mostly related to commenting on the poem at hand. You sound like you are having fun, Sherry, at school. I miss those days._Angel

[GD Martin]

Angel, Well done, I say. It seems your first drafts always emerge from the cocoon of time and editing as beautiful butterflies. GD

Greetings, back at you, Sherry! Gary

[mfwilkie]

Angel,

Can you work this line back into the poem.

she “had a thing for big, brass balls”.

It has great rhythm.

Maggie

[GD Martin]

Mama Mia, Special Angel!
In your special editing effort to migrate to "big, brass balls" in verse 2, lines 3 & 4 (instead of average-sized ones), you've constructed a speed bump at the semi-colon in line 3. I suggest you go back to your original lines, but with one slightly different modification:

At Thirty-four, he claimed my ma;
she "loved his big, brass balls".


_GD

[Angel Clementine]

Thanks a basketful, MAGGIE & GD, concerning the "big, brass balls", but I have decided to drive beyond them, though enormous as they might be, and park my "Verse Two" in a different neighborhood.

_Angel

[mfwilkie]

I like the county walls line change, but I have to admit, I like Gary's suggestion, too. ;D

I hear a country song in this.

Maggie

[Angel Clementine]

Thank you, Maggie.

[mfwilkie]

Here's another thought on this stanza, Angel, to keep to three stresses in the second line. It also adds a bit allitereation in there.

Pop passed the bar at Twenty-three,
then conquered City Halls.
Mom said that "tales of their first love"
were carved on County walls.

Maggie

[Angel Clementine]

Thank you for the thought, Maggie. I had actually considered,"conquered", but I was concerned I was at the borderline of over-alliterating. I may swing that way, after all. _Angel