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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Jan 27, 2008 20:55:43 GMT -5
I once thought love could tranquilize the pain
that pulsed like streaks of lightning through my soul,
so when he walked into my anguished life,
I felt my rhythm shift from half to whole;
and soon enough I found such sweet relief,
such crazy joy of which I'd only dreamed,
I shut my mind to toxic drops of blood
that dripped between my steamy breasts, unseen
until that night he whispered in the phone:
You're very sweet, but I'll be movin' on.
His cruelty left me with little choice::
Forgive me, I don't recognize your voice.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Jan 27, 2008 21:11:03 GMT -5
I LIKE!!!Wow--what a surprise, T!
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 27, 2008 23:39:06 GMT -5
You are a strong woman, Tina, in all the best ways----your beauty is strong too, and very wise...
in the poem itself, I only felt one small bump, the poisoned drops of blood----would it be possible to explain them at all in the poem, why you chose them as your metaphor for his deceit?
michael
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Post by johnnysaturn on Jan 28, 2008 8:42:14 GMT -5
I like the gothic feel to this. Nick Cave should set it to music.
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Jan 28, 2008 10:43:53 GMT -5
Thanks for the comments, guys. Years ago I took part in a long-running poetry workshop led by poet Alice Bliss (still writing and publishing at 90) and she encouraged my sonnets.. even published a few. I do love them and always am challenged by the meter and rhyme. I hesitate to write them anymore because the absolute KING of the sonnet is David Bradsher. I truly think his sonnets are equal to the Bard. To Michael: the line about "drops of blood" needs work. I'm thinkin' on it. Thank for your suggestion. Tina
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Post by LynnDoiron on Jan 28, 2008 10:54:19 GMT -5
Truly enjoyed this, T. More sonnets, please.....
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 28, 2008 13:31:37 GMT -5
Hi Tina- What a pleasant surprise to see a modern sonnet from you, and thank you very much for such blush-producing praise. Would that I could write like Shakes.  My suggestions are more toward the idea of elevating the language a bit, and please know that I love it as it is. Just trying to give you some food for thought. I once thought love could tranquilize the pain that pulsed like streaks of lightning in(through) my soul, so when he walked into my anguished life(,) I felt my rhythm shift from half to whole(  and soon enough I found such sweet relief, such crazy joy of which I'd only dreamed, I shut my eyes(mind) to poison(toxic) drops of blood which(that) ran(dripped) between my steamy(heaving) breasts, unseen until that night he whispered in the phone(,) (")You're very sweet, but I'll be movin' on("). His cruelty left me (vexed,) with little choice:: Forgive me, I don't recognize your voice. (Forgive me, sir, I just don't know your voice.) Tina, you may want to find a better substitute for 'sweet relief', as it could be construed as a little cliche and overused. I may have more thoughts later, if you don't mind. I'm pressed right now. David |
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 28, 2008 15:06:52 GMT -5
Like the poem and the couplet, T.
Maggie
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Post by ramadevi on Jan 29, 2008 10:16:33 GMT -5
Applause! Hearty Applause. I agree, we need more sonnets from you!
This is very well done.
And i agree with your praise of our David~
And i also REALLY like David's fine suggestions.
The couplet makes a great closing (pun intended)
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sanctus
EP 250 Posts Plus
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.~FN
Posts: 389
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Post by sanctus on Jan 29, 2008 14:18:52 GMT -5
Tina,
Lots of good suggestions here, so I'll just say hello, I love the sonnet and the ending is most delightful. Sonnets are a never-ending obsession of mine...
Daniel
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Post by ramadevi on Jan 30, 2008 10:57:43 GMT -5
Me too, Sanctus, i love sonnets. Do post more of them...and you too Tina!
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on Feb 5, 2008 16:47:08 GMT -5
Ditto the above. See what you've done? Howdie to our long lost Daniel! Excellent poem, Tina! Such a jab and my, my, aren't you the clever one. I had this experience...yada, yada, yada. True love and all...hmmph! Another horney toad to kiss off.  Sherry Berry |
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alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on Feb 5, 2008 19:33:31 GMT -5
To be honest I found the introduction girly/gushy but then end, the twist, superb. The title spot on. Consider
Can love tranquilize?
He stole into my anguished life
such sweet relief,
such crazy joy.
But later
“Forgive me”, said he
“I don't recognize your voice”.
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Feb 5, 2008 21:19:26 GMT -5
Thanks all for your great comments. Alfredo, perhaps you did not realize that this poem is a sonnet, written in the exact meter and rhyme required of such. Therefore, your suggestion, I'm afraid, would not work here. But I do very much appreciate you taking the time to stop by. Tina
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