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Post by dmtimney on Jan 27, 2008 22:17:26 GMT -5
Why must loss always precede life?
One last time-
a sharp right turn
in evening snow
to a thoughtful spot
the creek
the sunset
she has come to end
the intimacy of their affair.
Fresh tracks lead to a myopic cure.
Breaching an invisible wall
suggests beginnings- to where
she doesn't know, or care
but for the liberating vision
of hindsight added to an arsenal
of option.
Willows dressed in sorrel wigs
nod the verdict, judge the past
past- unable to agree
on the exact moment of death
it takes only an inch or so
to bury the remains.
All she had hoped for there is gone.
All she had hoped for there is done.
Why must loss always precede life?
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Post by Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner on Jan 27, 2008 22:36:37 GMT -5
Sad, tradgic even but beautiful... in sorrow it is the spirit that hurts most but glows anew like the freshly scrubbed face of a child...eyes wide with expectation and anticipation. Love you girl... -- Jarls
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Jan 27, 2008 22:38:18 GMT -5
If I hadn't communicated with you last night, I'd probably be lost.
But in light of our "conversation" I appreciate this in its entirety.
I like the feeling of "fresh tracks" and that whole metaphor.
Also the willows personified as the judge.
I might pluralize "option" ending V2.
In this case, loss precedes a new life of sorts........a new beginning.
This is good, Donna........and I sincerely wish you the best.
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 27, 2008 23:36:00 GMT -5
O wow, dearheart, I don't know you at all, but I sure can feel your pain----this may sound odd, but I have asked Father to send all the Archangels on the Rays to help you restart your life after this great loss you describe----the angels are very real----look for them in your heart, especially as you fall to sleep at night----ask them to show you, in your weary heart, God's love for you----they will----you will sense Love and peaceflow over you and into you...we are all here for you, you know...
michael
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Post by Jo Lynn Ehnes on Jan 28, 2008 16:34:10 GMT -5
Hugs, Donna. Just the way it is for some of us...good things ahead though, my friend.
Love ya,
JL
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Ken_Nye
EP 500 Posts Plus
EP Word Master and Published Member
Posts: 646
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Post by Ken_Nye on Jan 29, 2008 7:41:58 GMT -5
Donna, Iknow you a little and I don't know you a lot, but I felt a tremendous empathy with you and the task you set for yourself, in this poem. I rings of authenticity -- I assume you write from personal reality and what you are dealing with in your life. I hope you found the courage to follow through. This is a powerful poem. Very articulate, very focused. Really well done.
Ken
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 29, 2008 8:20:11 GMT -5
As a self-tried and convicted confessional poet (at times), I could really sink my teeth into this one, Donna. Aside from all the well-wishing, which I of course, will add to, I like the honesty of this, which cannot be faked. Stay strong, D.
David
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sanctus
EP 250 Posts Plus
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.~FN
Posts: 389
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Post by sanctus on Jan 29, 2008 14:35:33 GMT -5
Donna, hello. I like the inscrutable light hidden in the darkness here. Although the line where symbolism meets reality is blurred, I haven't decided if that's a good or bad thing. I like the mystery here and my love of mystery's conclusion leaves me feeling incomplete. Not sure about ending it with a question that is already understood in the preceding narrative. Very interesting, I'll need to come back later.
Daniel
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Post by ramadevi on Jan 30, 2008 10:48:57 GMT -5
My appluase for a very strong and solid write, Donna.
I love how there is a subtle hope insinuated by the opening and closing line. This poem is about loss, but loss precedes life....so awakenings will come in new directions.
Verse two is articulate and clever as well as deep...and also subtly hints of future promise.
the line about willows dressed in sorrel wigs and nodding verdict is just so brilliantly poetic and spectacular i had to pause a moment before i could continue reading. It just struck me as quite a phrase!
I like the rhyming and almost repetative couplet just before the close.
Authentic and with an original style....this is an outstanding write.
Sadness and pain carves out a space for joy.
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Jan 31, 2008 0:28:32 GMT -5
Outstanding work, Donna, truly outstanding. If anything, I might and that's only a teeny, tiny might - drop the repetition of the closing line.
I suspect most will disagree with this idea and regardless of keep or drop, this is excellent work. Ron
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Post by LynnDoiron on Jan 31, 2008 21:16:27 GMT -5
Donna, great write. I hope you'll forgive some thoughts to trim; if you can't forgive, feel free to ignore . . .
Why must loss [omit always]* precede life?
One last time-
a sharp right turn
in evening snow
to a thoughtful spot
the creek
the sunset
she has come to end
an intimacy long known.
[the intimacy of their affair.]**
Fresh tracks lead to a myopic cure.
Breaching an invisible wall
suggests beginnings- to where
she doesn't know, or care
but for the liberation of hindsight***
added to an arsenal
of option.
Willows dressed in sorrel wigs
nod the verdict, judge the past
past- unable to agree
on the [omit exact] moment of death
it takes only an inch or so
to bury the remains.
All she had hoped for there is gone.
All she had hoped for there is done.
Why must loss always precede life?
*always feels unnecessary to me; without it, the thought in the line is weighted, slow; with it, the line seems more than labored, lethargic -- but maybe that is what you were going after -- lethargy. what I sense though, is a hopefulness coming out of this change . . .
** no good reason for this suggestion, probably a voice thingie
***to me, hindsight is vision of a sort, so I'd let vision go.
excellent write, as everyone has mentioned. lynn
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Post by dmtimney on Feb 2, 2008 6:01:38 GMT -5
Thank you all for both your suggestions and your support. I'll have to give the suggestions some thought, but, as I do admit to being the subject of this particular piece...I have much packing to do and will be offline for a bit. I'll see if I can't pop in from Mags pc and tweak a bit. See you from New England soon!
~Donna
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