Vengeance Through a Parlor Window

[David Nelson Bradsher]

The dust of day's detritus grayed the room
as if the ashes of Pompeii
had blurred the atmosphere to smudge the gloom
and grind the light away.

In morning, rays of gold, like tractor beams,
pushed at the fringes of the night
to tailor ragged hems and shadow-seams
that split, allowing light

to permeate the dull of nothingness
with something brighter, more complete:
a sword of pointed color to address
an earlier defeat.

[mfwilkie]

One thought from a first read, mon ami—

to permeate the dull of nothingness
with something brighter, more complete:
a sword of sharper pointed color to address
an earlier defeat.

[GD Martin]

David,
I like how you plotted meter (especially syllable counts) and rhyme , contrasted metaphors, and turned lines. In S2, L1 I would say, "pushed", rather than, "pulled", due to the fact that tractor beams and sunlight are forces that come at you (rather, a sunset, for example, would be "pulling" the corners of the night, like a blanket). Of course, that creates the problem of the "corners"; "pushed at the edging of the night" might be a consideration. _GD

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you both. I changed based on your suggestions.

David

[GD Martin]

gotta luv those "fringes"_GD

[ramadevi]

Pushed at the fringes....great edit. And pointed is sharper than sharper in this context. Good changes to an already excellent, outstanding poem (But all of you poems fall into this category...or rise into it!)
David, i must humbly request you to do as you advised me...to post the both original and the revision after making changes!

I agree with GD MArtin....your contrasting metaphor, turned lines, interesting meter and skillfuol rhyme are signs of the poetic genius i have come to expect from you.