Depoetics...better edits & discussion

[MichaelFirewalker]

*inspired by a poem read today on another site


poetry has become
artifice
instead of art

let me see
where ought I start

O yes
high poetic style
now comprises
piles of words
in unsteady stacks

without backs
to stabilize
surmises

without weight
to communicate
estate

we find ourselves
alas
represented
with layers of tricks
instead of bricks

but are we fit?

a great nation maintains
through quality of thought

but when we’ve taught
the shallow boys to plot
poetics with their
left-brain cyber toys
we must accept the blame

when nought can last

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Michael, despite my current state of disliking poems about poetry, this one really hit me in the bread basket, so to speak.

Your observation is dead-on, poetic, and goes down like a mint julip on a July afternoon. Smooth but with a hell of a kick. Preach on, sister.

[ramadevi]

I agree with David entirely!

Right on the mark and articulately delivered.

No nits but i think surmie can be pluralized (surmises) as it sounds better musically, sicne it continues teh "s' sound so prevelant in preceding stanza... Just a thought.

I love the fierce tone!~

Jai Kali Ma~

[MichaelFirewalker]

Ahhh...David, my perspicacious friend, your response is most gratifying......thank you.

Rama-lovely....agree with you, and changed it to surmises...
[would you mind giving please the translation for Jai Kali Ma?----it struck my heart quite forcefully!]


hugs,
michael

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

Michael... Ars Poetica to rival MacLeish...very nicely said treatise of the vacuous nature of much of modern art...

this poem is too good for this line...which is sophomoric and needs to be redone:

when thought
is simply not

get too it and then frame this one...

Leo

[MichaelFirewalker]

O gawd, dear Leo, how michael would love to be a sophomore again!!!

appreciate the information offered, and changed it----watcha think?

michael

[johnnysaturn]

A definite pick!

[MichaelFirewalker]

droll, John, tres droll...

michael

[mfwilkie]

The original was better, Mick.

It had less artifice.

[Ken_Nye]

I think I agree with this, John. Wisih we could sit down and have a discussion about this one.

Ken

[Tina (Firefly)]

I wish we could have a "poetry discussion" too!! Michael, I totally agree with all you said here..and you said it soooooooo well. Great job. Tina

[ramadevi]

LOl!~ I am not suprised that JAI KALI MA struck your heart forcefully.

Kali is the fierce aspect of the divine mother. She wears a garland of skulls, carries a sword and trident and kills the negativities and ego.

Jai means victory
Ma means mother.

Victory to the fierce Mother Kali is the exact meaning of JAi KAli MA!

It is a warrior call for spiritual aspirants in the battle against ego.

I wrote a poem about Kali's "cruel Kindness"...perhaps i will post it here for review soon.

Jai Kali MA!~

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I don't have much to add to all that has been said. This is well-written and certainly drives your point home.
Verses 3 and 4 are the meat of the poem for me, and metaphorically quite picturesque.
Some of your posts in Poem of the Day may very well have brought you to this poem, or vice versa.

Who is the "we" in "we've taught brainless twits"?
Is it our educational system, our peers?

Good stimulus for discussion.........Thanks for posting, Michael.

[MichaelFirewalker]

Mags----thanks...tried another one...think it says what I wanna say better...

Ken----you're right----that could be a hot discussion!----and michael likes 'em hot...

Rama----michael has loved Kali for a long, long time, so am super glad to have that translation----will keep and use----can't wait to see her poem!----and thank you, precious sister...



and then came Jon----O man, you IS perceptive, ain'tcha?----actually, this is not referencing archaic poetry as much as contemporary poetry gone awry----think now that "brainless twits" was ill-chosen----think the new lines are more what I'm trying to say...

the shallow boys can also be girls, of course, but less often are----basically, the shallow boys are the empty-souled university types, who could care less about meaning in a poem, because they prefer to flaunt their egos----they would rather pat themselves, and each other, on the back with their complex word/line tricks, instead of actually communicating with any readers from outside their tight-knit communities...

they are a good-old-boy network of profoundly self-congratulatory, spiritual infants, who choose to remain spiritual infants because their narcissism directs them to love themselves at the expense of everyone else...

they are the kind of hyper-cerebral, inhuman, mind-machines who, when found in other departments, like nuclear physics, develop things like fusion bombs, and think nothing of it...

when found on Wall Street, they are the me-generation who have just succeeded nearly bankrupting this country with their sub-prime debacle, a three trillion dollar loss, which, when taken across the whole investment spectrum, has currently transformed the US into an economic house-of-horror----we all experience greed, but clearly, some of us worship it...

when found in churches, they are the leaders who love the world and the things of the world INSTEAD of loving Godde and the things of Godde----they are the preachers with the multi-million dollar homes and the big, expensive cars...

when found running the world banking system, they are the ones who maintain global economic thrust continually and effectively directed toward financial profit and NOT towards human beings caring for one another----there's nothing wrong with profit----Jesus said "Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's" MARK 12:17----but when that balance is not maintained, we efficiently destroy ourselves...

the point so laboriously made here is that poets have a higher calling and responsibility than playing with words in a word-box like children in a sandbox...


michael