The Wind Chime

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Second Revision (S1, L2)

The drapes—as sheer as ghosts—
flutter and juke in keeping time
to the soft xylophonic chime
of wind-conducted toasts,

which clink like crystal has
when, at occasions, glasses meet
percussively, to set a beat,
as if performing jazz.

The wind-chime, though, emits
a slow concerto of its own
to please the girl who sits alone
and, while she listens, knits

and hums a southern tune,
a soloist whose only band
is six thin tubes of metal and
a breezy afternoon.



Slight revision

The Wind-Chime

The drapes—as sheer as ghosts—
flutter and dance in swaying time
to the soft xylophonic chime
of wind-conducted toasts,

which clink like crystal has
when, at occasions, glasses meet
percussively, to set a beat,
as if performing jazz.

The wind-chime, though, emits
a slow concerto of its own
to please the girl who sits alone
and, while she listens, knits

and hums a southern tune,
a soloist whose only band
is six thin tubes of metal and
a breezy afternoon.


Original

The Wind-Chime

The drapes—as sheer as ghosts—
flutter and gently sway in time
to the soft xylophonic chime
of wind-conducted toasts,

which clink like crystal has
(in instances where glasses meet)
percussively obliged a beat
as if performing jazz.

The wind-chime, though, emits
a slow concerto of its own
to please the girl who sits alone
and, while she listens, knits

and hums a southern tune,
a soloist whose only band
is six thin tubes of metal and
a breezy afternoon.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I like this David, but the second verse is somewhat out of tune to me. It seems forced. Let me think on it and see if I can offer an alternative.

To what does "they" refer? As it reads, it seems like the drapes.

The closing stanza is lovely.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi John. I'm actually thinking of nixing the second verse, but I'm referring to the wind chimes when I say "they". I can see where it may read a bit odd, but note the m-dashes to set off the thought in the second stanza. Thanks.

David

[ramadevi]

I love the playful and musical tone in this fine work, David. I actually like the second verse because the Jazz line made me smile. It was clear to me that the 'they" referred to the chimes but i can see how it seems an awkward stanza as the timing flow seems different. But i thought that worked well with the mention of jazz...improvisations and variations are in line with the theme.

And chimes ring different tunes depending on the wind-play, just as jazz flows in variations depending on the play of emotions and thoughts.

I loved this read. Especially the last two stanzas.

peaceful and breezy....and i can hear the chimes tinkling behind

[Sherry Thrasher]

Lovely and it sounds like my type of afternoon. I tried to call you a few minutes ago but only got voice mail. I need to talk with you today if possible.


Sherry

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you, Sher. Call my cell. I'll PM it to you.

David

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you, Rama. I like the image of the second, so I'd like to keep it, but I want to make sure it makes sense. I'll keep looking at it.

David

[sandpiper]

Hi David, I like this one...
I'll give my two cents worth, feel free to ignore:



The Wind-Chime

The drapes—as sheer as ghosts—
flutter and gently sway in time
to the soft xylophonic chime
of wind-conducted toasts

which clink like crystal has—
in instances where glasses meet—
percussively obliged a beat
as if performing intoxicated jazz.

The wind-chime, though, emits
a slow concerto of its own
to please the girl who sits alone
and, while she listens, knits

and hums a southern tune,
a soloist whose only band -
is hanging rods suspended tubes of metal and
a breezy afternoon.



( I did the tubes for the play with tune and noon, and the intoxicated because the as if playing was what was throwing me off on that S2 --might not work at all, but hope it gives you stuff to ponder and play with. ...)
-piper

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hey, Piper. Thank you, my friend. I could, of course, use "pipes" in honor of you, but it didn't seem to work.

I like suspended, but it interrupts the flow, as does intoxicating. I love the words, but for this one I don't want the stops that would have to occur for those words to be inserted.

I like "which" and "tubes" though, and I think I'll take those. Thank you.

I also changed "hanging" to "six thin" so it doesn't quite have that same effect. Hanging is a harsh word for so soft a verse, now that I think about it.

[mfwilkie]

D, Love piper's six thin tubes change. It really bolsters the ending stanza.

Time, in your opening, implies something measured; coupled with the image of flutterng drapes, I get conflict.

Maggie

The drapes—as sheer as ghosts—
flutter and gently sway in time

flutter (gentle sways out of time) - maybe

to the soft xylophonic chime
of wind-conducted toasts,

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Mags, thank you.

Actually, I was thinking that the drapes match the tinkling of the chimes since they're both affected by the same element, so I considered one keeping time with the other. No?

[ramadevi]

Yes, that is how i felt you meant it to be. It works quite well.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you, Rama.

[MichaelFirewalker]

David----is the soft xylophonic chime in stanza one being made by the wind chime? ----is that also what sounds like crystal in stanza two? ----if so, then why say, in stanza three, that the wind-chime emits a slow concerto of its own, as if that were another sound entirely, one distinguished from the chime and clinks of stanzas one and two?

confused michael

[sandpiper]

The changes work well, David.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

I've revised the 2nd line of the 1st stanza.

Michael, in S2, I'm differentiating a bit between the actual sound of the chimes vs. the glasses, and in S3 I'm detailing (hopefully) the difference.

Thank you, Piper.

[antman]

You know the minimalist in me my brother
I feel this is an awesome visual you present to its
reader. Here's my offering for this cool poem
that has great potential- feel free to ingnore me
too.

love,
ant

drapes—as sheer as ghosts—
flutter and juke keeping in time
to soft xylophonic chimes
a wind-conducted toast,

like the crystal clinks
of a special occasion
meet percussively, set a beat,
performing as if jazzed.

though, the wind- chime emits
a slow concerto of its own
it's for the pleasure a girl who sits alone
and listens as she knits

she hums a southern tune,
a soloist whose only band
is six thin metallic tubes on
a breezy afternoon.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you, Anthony, but I'm waaay too immersed in meter and rhyme schemes to vary it that much. I do appreciate your version, though, and the time you took with it.

[antman]

All is as it should be and will be.
I can appreciate your steadfastness.

skin,
anthony

[mfwilkie]

Absolutely love 'juke', mon ami.

In S1, L3, what about 'with' for 'to'?

Or how about this to tweek that syntax nit I keep hearing ?

The drapes¡ªas sheer as ghosts¡ª
flutter and juke, try keeping time
with the soft xylophonic chime
of wind-conducted toasts,

ÄúµÄÅóÓÑ

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thanks, Mags. I like "with" for "two", but my assertion on the other is that the drapes are keeping time with the chimes, which are dictated by the wind, just as the drapes are. Going to change the other now.

I've changed my mind, by the way. I'm going for the Pats.