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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 29, 2008 19:28:34 GMT -5
yezzuh, yezzuh
an' affah dat
she gonna axe yu
foh moh tie
an' moh fly
dat fine chil'
shohlee do
wanna die
michael
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Jan 29, 2008 22:58:26 GMT -5
Again, an excellent use of word choice and language to breathe life into a short work. I want to invert the last two lines somehow, but really for no good reason other than imposing my own voice I suppose. There's just a sound that I like there so ignore it if you don't agree. Excellent work. Ron
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Post by ramadevi on Jan 29, 2008 23:09:09 GMT -5
I agree this is an excellent work for the same reason Ron said it.
I disagree with Ron's suggestion to invert the last two lines. it sounds fine to me as is. but if you did choose to take his advice...which is also a fine idea, though not my preference, then i woudl alter the lines to read "When your lover takes her beating below deck".
Bravo. Very fine writing.
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 30, 2008 6:08:42 GMT -5
You talk to me
of yachts like city-states
and the lupine, resourceful men
who own them *John, maybe a line break or m-dash here.
of girls in frantic gowns
dancing on moonscapes of money(—) or a line break, here, too.
Maybe something like this
of how the air trembles for you
as/while you beat your lover
below deck
The lines below shift the focus of the poem away from him to her and tone and Voice lose impact.
when below deck
your lover takes her beating.
Maggie
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