Art in Heaven

[alfredo]

When day’s almost done
and the cool evening comes,
when the swift falling sun
takes its rest in the west;
when flapping wings reflect
low off the crimson lake;
straighten from your task
turn from tavern, TV and jet ski;
fix your gaze above
just as the clouds pinken
at the thought
of the sinking fiery ball

And when the Sun’s head falls even more,
take in the jaw-dropping sky-wide
flaming, heavenly, red burning,
magnificent, molten, fiery glow-

And pray that tomorrow
He may paint another


Previously----

When day’s almost done
and the cool of the evening comes,
when the falling sun
takes its rest in the west;
when the flapping wings reflect
low off the crimson lake;
straighten from your task
turn from tavern, TV and jet ski;
turn your gaze above
just as the clouds pinken
at the thought
of the nearby fiery ball

And when the Sun’s head falls even more,
take in the jaw-dropping sky-wide
flaming, heavenly, red burning,
magnificent, molten, fiery glow;
and, pray that tomorrow
He may paint another.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I like your work, Al, guess that's why I'm meddling, that and you didn't cut my girthstrap last time. Here's a few things I might try for rhythm and voice: I'd also end with the sinking sun.
I know I don't have the Aussie voice down although I picked up a new nephew married into the Okies so disregard any ideas that offend, for I assure none was intended. Good stuff. Ron


When day’s almost done
and the cool of the evening comes,
when the swift-falling sun (I think you need
takes its rest in the west; an added word here)
when the flapping wings reflect
low off the crimson lake;
straighten from your task
turn from tavern, TV and jet ski;
turnfix your gaze above
just as the clouds pinken
at the thought
of the nearby a sinking fiery ball

And when the Sun’s head falls even more,
take in the jaw-dropping sky-wide
flaming, heavenly, red burning,
magnificent, molten, fiery glow;
and, pray that tomorrow
He may paint another.

[ramadevi]

Lovely. Luminous. Love your use of internal rhyme. This is a fine work and Ron's suggestions are top-notch. I would employ each tasteful change he has mentioned and change nothing else! With those changes, i think it would be pruned to perfection.

but if i was going to make any other feedbakc...i am wondering about the comma after and in the closing two lines. I am also wondering how it would be to give a linebreak before them. This is just an idea to weigh and consider, not necessarily what i would suggest. (have to think about it more)

As i said, it would still be a perfect poem without this change (as long as you implement the other ones)~!!~

And when the Sun’s head falls even more,
take in the jaw-dropping sky-wide
flaming, heavenly, red burning,
magnificent, molten, fiery glow;

and pray that tomorrow
He may paint another.

[alfredo]

Ram and Ron thanks what more can I or should, say.

trust I have got the changes right BUT
please ..more comments as you see fit

[ramadevi]

I like the changes you've made. Well done!~ Brava

[antman]

Enjoyed the visuals and thoughts
expressed under the design of a
master creator.

peace,
anthony