I Think I Can (Revised Sonnet)

[ramadevi]

Second Revision

I wish that I could grasp the hands
of beggars cramped in shadowed streets
and guide them to the fertile lands
where sky, wind, sun and flowers meet.

A loving tendril will array
the barest wall, so they may see
a latticed beauty, not dull gray,
and contemplate life’s mystery

in tranquil and contented bliss,
unburdened by anxieties
while ardor, chi and laughter kiss--
and breathe as freely as the trees.

For sorrow to become delight,
the sun of love must vanquish night.

First revision

I wish that I could grasp the hands
of beggars cringing in dim streets
and guide them over fertile lands
where sky, wind, sun and flowers meet.

A loving tendril will array
the barest wall, so they may see
light's beauty, not just concrete's gray,
and contemplate life’s mystery.

In peaceful and contented bliss,
unburdened by anxieties
about escaping pain's close kiss--
and breathe as freely as the trees.

To transform sorrow to delight,
the sun of love must murder night.


Original

If only I could grasp the hands
of beggars cringing in dim streets
and guide them over fertile lands
where sky, wind, sun and flowers meet.

A loving tendril will array
the barest wall, so he may see
bright colors, not just concrete's gray,
and contemplate life’s mystery.

In peaceful and contented bliss,
unburdened by anxieties
about escaping pain's close kiss--
and breathe as freely as the trees.

To transform sorrow to delight,
the sun of love must murder night.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Love the message, wish I could offer more on meter and verse. Any changes that occurred to me for voice's sake effect the rhyme or meter so rather than hinder, I'll just say how much i like the tone and word choice. Nice work, Rama. Ron

[Ken_Nye]

You people that work wiltihl srhyme and rhythm just amaze me. I liked this, Rama.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

This is a lovely prayer, dearest rama; a prayer shared by so many. Thank you for bringing it to the page.
I have 2 small suggestions, 1 for meter, one for grammar.

"I wish that I could grasp the hands
of beggars cringed in darkened streets" (accent consistent--"dim" causes a bump)

...and contemplate life's mystery (remove the period to ensure a complete sentence, with enjambment.)
I (i)n peaceful and contented bliss,
unburdened by anxieties..."

Strong couplet. Namaste.

[ramadevi]

Thank you Ron, Ken and Jon!

JOn, I grabbed up both your suggestions..actually, i had already edited out that period but forgot to make the edit here. but the new phrase for line really suits it well. THANK YOU~

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi Rama-

Nice sonnet. Just a few suggestions for you:

I wish that I could grasp the hands
of beggars cringed in darkened streets (of beggars, dimmed by shadowed streets,)
and guide them over (to the) fertile lands
where sky, wind, sun and flowers meet.

A loving tendril will array
the barest wall, so they may see
light's beauty, not just concrete's gray, (a latticed beauty over gray,)
and contemplate life’s mystery

in peaceful(tranquil) and contented bliss,
unburdened by anxieties
about escaping pain's close kiss-- (not sure what to do about this one, but it's weak to me)
and breathe as freely as the trees.

To transform sorrow to delight, (For sorrow to become delight,)
the sun of love must murder night.

[ramadevi]

ohhhh! David! You always have such fine and tasteful suggestions. I am very grateful, especially for the tweak on that couplet. My muse is smiling broadly now. Am on my way to make some changes. Some of them i must think over for some more time...i am not sure i want to get rid of the word "cringed".....though what you have offered as an alternative is musically more appealing.

Once again, i offer you my gratitude.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Rama, I don't like "cringed" because I see it as a verb. How about "crimped"?

As always, they're just suggestions made in the time it takes to type, so I'm never disappointed by a suggestion not taken. Oftentimes it sparks a better alternative that was not considered.

My pleasure. ;D

[ramadevi]

I see your point, David.
The orginal line was "of beggars cringing in dim streets"

I have forgotten to post the original...will do so now.

And your pointning out the weak line has inspired me to change not only the wording but the meaning...please see the change and let me know your opinion!

Thanks a trillion

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Love the new line, Rama. That's exactly where the value of posting here shows itself. We push each other to find a fresher way of saying things, and I think the revised phrase is 10x better. Well done.

David

[ramadevi]

Thank you David. I think so too...and feeling super-charged from the glory of it~!

Have decided to delete that boring sequence and post a different poem this evening.

Very grateful for your graceful nudges!

[David Nelson Bradsher]

You are most welcome, Rama.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Nice revision, rama. The whole is more than the sum of its parts.

[ramadevi]

*smile*

So many have contributed to this...that i must agree with you wholeheartedly!

You have also been a great help with this work.

And my friends Claire, Cesar and Marion have helped with it on another site. (among others) (do you remmeber Claire and Cesar from old blue? Still in touch with Thomas too...among others.)

There are many voices behind this poem, but they all resonate with my own....indeed they do.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Rama,

Mags and I were talking about this one, and we both thought the first line might work better as:

I wish that I could grasp the hands (I want to reach and grasp the hands...)

[mfwilkie]

Rama,

I like David's idea of using crimped, I think it immediately gives you
the image you want; cringed took me out of the poem for a moment.

I like the new couplet.

One question, rama: what's your intent in the second and third stanza's?

Maggie

[MichaelFirewalker]

hi Rama...also think what Mags thinks re crimped----can see the beggar as cringing only if he's actually under some kind of attack----but can see him and his life as continually crimped, or short-changed, as it were, out there on those bare streets...

understand second stanza's point as the wisdom of having publicly funded flowers in all neighborhoods----the sight of a flower can transform a soul...

also understand that you have expressed the result of that transformation in the third stanza, where the sight of the flower has lifted the beggar upward, from his pain into sudden, delighted joy...

michael

[sanctus]

This is quite lovely, Rami! It rolls off of my tongue with ease. I have two crazy thoughts. In your line: "while ardor, chi and laughter kiss--" I hear a "hiss" In the last couplet which I like, I am unsure whether you are personifying the sun or describing love as sun. Maybe something like: “the loving sun must murder night” or “For sorrow to become delight/Your love, like (my) sun, must end my night” Of course, it’s fine just the way it is, these just jumped out at me. I’d like to see more of these.

Daniel

[sandpiper]

Very nice rama, and I don't mind the cringed, personally. it works for me. perhaps "slay the"? at the end as opposed to "murder"?

[David Nelson Bradsher]

I like Piper's idea, and I'll offer up a few more to soften the last line. How about "bury night" or "snuff the night" or "shroud the night"?

[ramadevi]

What an abundance of good feedback this one is recieving! I thank you all with a full heart.

Dear Ron, Ken, Jon, David, Mags, Michael, Sanctus, Piper...Thank you ~

And thank you for stopping by to see the changes.
And for all your wonderful ideas.

David and Mags, I think you are right about the first line. Reach is better than could....and wanting implies a subtle WILL, whereas wishing only implies a maybe. I have been debating the change because i like the musical sound of "wish" better than "want' when read together with the adjacent line.

Mags and Michael, The second and third stanzas introduce a new image which was not in the original sonnet, but which is a small metaphor for the original intention of the poem...the theme of uplifting the downtrodden and awakening joy...which the "loving tendril" accomplishes with a small grace -a flash of color to coax awake the dullness of the bare concrete gray - It is a symbol of new life and of beauty. I grew up in New York City and always smiled to see the proverbial grass growing through cracks in the pavement.

The subtle meaning intended is that even a small effort towards those who suffer can go along way and be the beginning of transformation. A smile, a kind word, can literally save someones life if offered to them in a moment of despair....it can avert suicide, for example.

So Michael, you grokked the stanzas fully and Mags, i hope this clarified your query.

[LynnDoiron]

rama, I am late to visit this sonnet but wanted you to know how much I enjoyed reading it this morning. kudos, my friend. lynn