sanctus
EP 250 Posts Plus
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.~FN
Posts: 389
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Post by sanctus on Sept 5, 2008 10:22:42 GMT -5
Good morning people. I have a habit (obsession, perhaps) of writing sonnets in groups of three. I thought that I might post all three together, but then thought it would be better to post one at a time. Here's one.
You ask for wisdom, I deny the page
upon which you would have me demonstrate
the warmth that is antithesis of rage
and secrets that lie cold upon my plate.
Desire is not what love has promised us,
no simple education of the living;
hard rain rolls down my back and shades my lust,
cool respite that counters what you're giving!
There's no question of our hearts' intentions,
the why of what we know and who we are;
pity is the cousin of invention
and sorrow but the shadow of a scar.
My passion is all yours for the taking,
my silence, the sound of one heart breaking.
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Post by Angel Clementine on Sept 6, 2008 11:34:53 GMT -5
Daniel,
It might take a little time for me to conjure up something that might prove helpful to you, but please know I found your sonnet full of interesting thoughts. I especially took an admiring note of line 12 ("and sorrow but the shadow of a scar."). _Angel
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Post by mfwilkie on Sept 6, 2008 11:46:55 GMT -5
Wow, Daniel!
I love this!!!
Double ditto the verse Angel pointed out.
It's all music to my ear.
Nice, nice, nice!
Maggie
Maggie
Maggie, may I have another, please?
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Post by LynnDoiron on Sept 6, 2008 16:28:11 GMT -5
Daniel -- I am not good [at all] with meter or rhyme but will say that these four lines are stunning, quite gorgeous, and impacted me with their certain truth -- very difficult for that to happen with abstract matters of love passion rage and/or desire. Kudos! lynn
There's no question of our hearts' intentions,
the why of what we know and who we are;
pity is the cousin of invention
and sorrow but the shadow of a scar.
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Post by mfwilkie on Sept 6, 2008 18:37:21 GMT -5
Daniel, In a discussion of your poem, the subject of silence as sound came up. Here's an interesting article that speaks to the subject and its relevance to poetry. www.spiritsound.com/aum.htmlEnjoy. Maggie |
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sanctus
EP 250 Posts Plus
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.~FN
Posts: 389
|
Post by sanctus on Sept 8, 2008 12:49:57 GMT -5
Hello people, and thanks for all the comments. They are appreciated. Maggie, I read the article and it is interesting.
Thanks,
Daniel
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Sept 8, 2008 15:31:48 GMT -5
You ask for wisdom, I deny the page
upon which you would have me demonstrate
the warmth that's the antithesis of rage
and secrets lying cold upon my plate.
Desire is not what love has promised us,
no simple education for the living;
hard rain rolls down my back and shades my lust,
a respite that can counter what you're giving!
There's not a question of our hearts' intentions,
the why of what we know and who we are;
for pity is the cousin of invention
and sorrow but the shadow of a scar.
My passion is for you, there for the taking,
my silence is the sound of one heart breaking.
Changes in bold, Sanctus. Remember that lines with a feminine ending allow the 11th syllable. If you keep them at ten, it skews the meter. Great stuff, my friend. Sorry to be quick, but I'm in a rush.
David
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sanctus
EP 250 Posts Plus
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.~FN
Posts: 389
|
Post by sanctus on Sept 10, 2008 13:02:45 GMT -5
Thanks for the suggestions, I do love a good feminine ending, after all.  |
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Sept 10, 2008 13:14:57 GMT -5
As do I, brother...as do I.  On those feminine endings, keep your meter intact (except for intentional substitutions) and just let that feminine ending dangle. They're pretty like that. |
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