alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
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Post by alfredo on Jan 30, 2008 18:19:52 GMT -5
A finger nail removes the excess from a fine paint brush. Yesterday, Meditative - miniatures to murals. Diminutive - on giant scaffolds. Today -murals to a miniature. Head bent - concentration intense. Smooth sea shells for rubbing - paper preparation. Ritualistic -divine circles. Act of writing - a certain peace. Freckles - on a dark brown face. Ingenious - calm genius. www.shahziasikander.com |
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 30, 2008 19:48:02 GMT -5
A first read, 'fredo, but I really like this.
Wonder about opening with
A finger nail removes the excess
from a fine paint brush,
Maggie
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alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on Jan 30, 2008 20:27:58 GMT -5
yes yes!!
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 30, 2008 21:01:08 GMT -5
Great read, Alfredo. What was the original opening, though?
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alfredo
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Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on Jan 30, 2008 21:36:05 GMT -5
Thnks David. I attended her exhibition in Sydney
Original:-
Finger nail removing the excess
from some fine paint brush.
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 30, 2008 22:06:18 GMT -5
Good change then. Read well the second time, too.  |
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 30, 2008 22:28:19 GMT -5
excellent description of her intensity, but meaning unclear in some places...
am going to change some things for clarification, and correct several typos----please discard, if you wish...
A finger nail removes the excess
from a fine paint brush.
Yesterday,
Meditative
- miniatures to murals.
Diminutive
- on giant scaffolds.
Today
-murals to miniature.
Head bent
- concentration intense.
Smooth sea shells
for rubbing
- paper preparation.
Ritualistic
-divine circles.
Act of writing
- a certain peace.
Freckles
- on a dark brown face.
Ingenious
- calm genius.
michael
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alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on Jan 30, 2008 22:45:19 GMT -5
no argument Mikey..done
PS special thanks for your time and patience
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 30, 2008 22:47:47 GMT -5
had a thought,'fredo.
What about adding 'a' to this line. Since, to me you go on to describe her as intensely working on what i take as one miniature.
murals to a miniature
Head bent intense
- concentration.
I think it adds a needed beat after re-reading your draft.
Maggie
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alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on Jan 30, 2008 23:16:28 GMT -5
right on both counts ...
not too late to be
incorporated
mate
(please forgive childish humour)
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antman
EP Gold 750 Posts Plus
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Posts: 958
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Post by antman on Feb 1, 2008 8:40:46 GMT -5
I enjoyed the read alfredo, found nothing to nit or pic
with this one. Thanks for the link tried to log on but
took to long for me to get on her site.
I will try again later.
peace
anthony
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Feb 1, 2008 11:52:46 GMT -5
Nice tribute to an artist, Alfredo.
I wonder if there is a way to more exactly parallel the first two stanzas...from small to large in artwork and stature in S1
..then as you reverse the image in S2, instead of "Head bent-concentration intense", perhaps something going from large to small...e.g. shrinking palette, concentration intense.
Just a thought I had.
Reads nicely.
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alfredo
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Post by alfredo on Feb 1, 2008 18:36:46 GMT -5
Like your suggestions will reflect on them soon. Stand by.
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alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on Feb 6, 2008 19:37:10 GMT -5
Jonathon, I believe I will keep:-
"head bent
-concentration intense"
prefer sound pattern and rhythm.
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