Proverb of shades (ver. 3)

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

I have seen your smile
whirl on the ice-blue wind.

I have seen your breasts
pay homage to the virescent sea.

I have heard your amber voice
moan to climax deep inside of me

I have seen your touch
awake the hermit from the coal
of a thousand years of sleep.

Yet, my shades remain
remote, ashen hidden
behind the ancient
rocks and trees.

[ramadevi]

An amazing write, Leo. Solid and tight. No nits at all. Just awe.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Nice imagery and passion, Leo. Some simple thoughts:

I have seen your smile
whirl on the ice-blue wind. (how about 'on the ice-blue wind?')


I have seen your breasts (how do breasts give homage? The others make sense to me, but this just doesn't...to me.)
give homage to the virescent sea.

I have seen your touch (I have felt your touch? I guess it depends on whether N is the hermit)
awake the hermit from the coal
of a thousand years of sleep.

[MichaelFirewalker]

will play a bit...


"I have seen your smile
whirl on the ice-blue wind.

I have seen [felt] your touch
awake the hermit from the coal
of a thousand years of sleep.

I have seen[watched] your breasts
give homage to the virescent sea.

I have heard your amber voice
moan to climax deep inside of me.

Yet, through it all—
I remain remote, ashen behind
the ancient rocks and trees."


you can see I switched the second and third stanzas----think the breast stanza is too sexually abrupt to use as second stanza----it's a soft voice, so ya gotta ease into the sex a bit----but THEN, when you DO get to those breasts, it's a lot more proactive to say you watched them than you simply saw them...

now, after all that, I must say it's a little hard to believe that you are so remote and ashen behind those ancient rocks and trees----think you gotta tie that idea in a bit better, expand it, to make it more believable...


love ya,
michael

[sandpiper]

I guess I'll be the dissenting voice here. Not in the full appreciation of your writing, which I'll never be the dissenting voice there, but I think I like the colors getting darker throughout the poem, starting with the ice blue and moving on down through the green, and amber and coal, to shade or lack of color, and I think I prefer the "I" as opposed to the "my shades". Although I understand Michael's holding off on the breasts suggestion, a little "fore"-shadowing is a good thing. lol.
-piper